First of all, hello to everyone. I'm new, and I don't really know what else to tell you other than to launch into my spiel.
At the end of August, we had to have our dog put to sleep. Going in there and being with him while they did it was horrible, and terribly upsetting. I returned to uni a few weeks ago, and had started to put it behind me when a very close friend of mine (someone who I consider more a brother than a friend) went missing. He had been missing for almost a week when his girlfriend rang me and told me that his body had been found. There still remains a police investigation, but it's almost certain that he committed suicide.
At first I was shocked. Throughout the week he had been missing, I hadn't cried or even been that worried, to be honest. I think I had discounted the possibility of suicide because I didn't want to face it. For that reason, when I got the call, I was taken aback. In the days that followed, I shed many tears. However, now I seem to have gone into some weird state where I can't seem to cry any more. I have photos of him all over my wall, and I can look at them no problem. I almost feel like after accepting he was gone, I've reverted back to not believing it's real.
My mood is very difficult to describe. I feel extremely angry all the time, but have to surpress it. Like I say, I seem to be a bit numb, unable to outwardly grieve, yet I have this constant deep feeling of nausea, like I really want to cry and it's building up and building up, but I can't let it out.
His funeral is on Monday. The thing I'm dreading most is seeing his girlfriend, a good friend of mine. She's a complete wreck and has now started saying things like she doesn't think she'll make it to Tuesday and she's full of dark nothingness. If she did something to herself, I think that would push me over the edge and I would have a complete breakdown.
I'm not really sure what I'm expecting from all of you, I don't even know if I'm depressed. I've started seeing a counsellor, which will hopefully help. I just don't feel like my life will ever be the same again.