I have two major problems in my life right now that are causing so much hurt to me and I hate myself sometimes because of how they have made me.
The first problem is to do with trusting people. All my life I've never been able to trust people. And I always wondered why and then I remember all the little things from the past that give me reason to doubt. I am only 19 and I remember when I was a kid, several times seeing my mother bring strange men into the house. My dad lives with us but he moved out for a few weeks because of a fight with my mother. I wasn't too sure what was going on but I knew it was wrong. The things I seen and heard back then I can remember so clearly and I hate her for it. Even all these years on, she's cheating. My dad lives here and he knows but she threatens suicide when anyone challenges her.
My family have been struggling with money for the past few years now, and my mam was caught with a bank statemenet showing she's saved thousands and its not right listening to her say she has no money. But thats another story.
When I was 16, I met up with a guy from the internet. He was 22. We dated for a year and a half. That is the biggest regret of my life. And the things that I went through I have no idea why I stayed with him for so long. He sickens me now. I'm so glad I eventually came to my senses and erased him from my life as far as was possible. Then I met a new guy. And I am still with him today. He is amazing and I am terrified of losing him. I hate when we have little fights but it's usually because I can;t trust like the way I should.
But then there's my other problem - being left out and left behind. I'm terrified of it and it's always happening. I don't have many friends and when I was a kid, I had very few and they were very temporary. I was bullied too which didn't help my confidence or self-esteem to go and make friends. So I always waited for others to come make friends with me, but that didn't really happen. The friends that I did have, I lost when I was in that bad relationship. I only ended that relationship about a year ago and am finding it hard to rebuild relationships with old friends. They've moved on without me. I'm not very important to anyone but my boyfriend. I wish I had real friends.
But because of the combinaton of these two parts of my life, I've become so cold towards some people, I'm so cautious and I keep to myself. I'm so afraid of hurt and pain. I can't trust or forgive. I feel like everyone is watching for me to make a mistake and I have to be perfect - and I can't relax or breathe sometimes.
I wish I could fix this but I don't know how.