Heej Mama :),
First of all, welcome to HW!
I honestly believe you are on the right track right now. You quit smoking, drugs, got your husband back etc. The only "flaw" is your new eating habit. Maybe you should sit down for a minute or so and think about
the good things that you have done lately. Quiting smoking had to be really hard, and you should be proud of that achievement. You have done so much already...
But can I ask you what the motivation was, to quit smoking? If you can get that some motivation with the food, I know you can hold back on that too. Maybe it is a good idea to tell your husband, so that he can be a help. Even if he ain't at home much, he still can ask you what you ate today whenever he is at home. Or maybe you have a neighbor or friend who can check up on you. I think it is important to involve others, since it is wonderful when you are able to tell them that you did order that salad instead of the steak. As long as you be honest with them, I think it will be a great help. Not being honest will make things worse, so please do be careful when you are trying to involve someone.
Of course, I can't tell you what to do, but experience told me that running away won't solve much problems. It can make you happier, but the greatest of joy can be found in solving the problems. And I think you are strong enough to do so. Now, things can appear to be out of control. But if you look good enough, you can see all the good things you have done. You have a loving husband, a daughter (which will thank you one day for being such a great mom
), etc. Right now, it can be hard to motivate yourself, but that is OK. If you blame yourself for all the bad things so much you will forget to compliment yourself for all the good stuff. So instead of blaming and hating yourself, try to think of the reasons for the hate. Maybe you will find the source of the problems, and maybe you can find the motivation to come up with a solution, a cure.
Writing down your thoughts can be such a relief, so feel free to write more, and don't mind how long it will be. There are lots of members here that will read it, if that will be a help to you.
And if you are in the right mood, maybe you could spread your love around you, because live itself will give it back to you when you need it.
All the best Mama!
Ow, I forgot to mention, if it is possible you always could try to find a professional to speak with. They can be a great help in getting joy back in your life!
Acceptance is the key
Existential depression and InsecurityTry to keep smiling! :)