Thanks for the replys...
I`m still alive...and still completly destroyed...
again..I caused this...I was/am an insecure, jelous loser...as I mentioned I started seeing a councelor about this...and he did more damage then good..
this girl needed my support, respect, and help getting over/forgeting her past, and a guy that would just love and respect her for who she was NOW...NOT dwell on her past, and be over protechtive jelous ect..
she came to me in a mess (had been drinking ALOT for years, and doing a bit of drugs ect)...Anyway, she had been through ALOT of bad things in her life...we had known each other for about 20 years...she knew I did`nt drink, do drugs ect...so she felt good about hanging out with me at first knowing there would`nt be any of that around ect..plus, we`ve always got along good..
problem is....she shared some of the things about her past when we first started dating, that she was a bit haunted by, or regreted or other wise just wanted to get off her chest with me..and after a while..and it seamed the more and more I fell in love with her..the more and more some of these things would start to haunt me..
I started out very supportive, and trying to get her on the right path, but some time later..became the guy that could`nt get over her past ect...the exact opisite of who she thought I was...and who I really WAS....at the time...this was before I fell head over heel in love with her...
anyway...I tried to let go of some of the things she told me...but every now and then, during a minor argument, I would bring her past up..she hated that....and ask me to please never bring up her past....and after an argument...later on, when we were going to bed for example..i would look over at her..and almost cry..in fact..to be honest..I did cry a couple times thinking about how I probley hurt her by bringing up, and saying the things I did...I would just lay there..and while ribing/tickling her back (she really enjoyed that cause it made her feel better, and help go to sleep) anyway, while i was doing that..all I could think about was how much I love this girl, and why the HELL cant I shut up!!!!!!...I mean..it really agravated me BAD!!!..that I once again, brung up something so stupid.......
I just get made during an argument..and out it comes....
thing is...the next mourning..we would get up, either Her or I, would cook breakfast, eat together ect....and another day would start, without me being able to just break down..and say I`m sorry...its not that I never said It to her....but I really should have explained..how bad I really felt about what was said the night before...but for some reason..I kinda felt like, hey...we just kissed, said i love you to each other..maybe I`ll just leave it at that..and not bring up last nights argument ect..
But..I knew....without a doubt....things would HAVE to change...I knew that when I started seeing a councelor months ago..
I was just so dicouraged over the one I had seen and the things he had said to me.., that I just kinda lost faith, and hope with seeing a councelor..me and her talked about some fo the things he had said, and both agreed..he`s not the right one...but then I just kept slacking off on calling down there to start seeing a differant one..
I knew I needed to talk with someone who could help me get over this crap..and be the guy I used to be for/to her...but it just seamed like days kept creeping by, and here I am again..its after 5pm..cant call now..
Hind site 20/20.......No doubt..i could have..and darn sure should have......found a couple minutes to make a call....how pathetic..
See....this is why I mentioneed above about how I had been asking her if everything is ok, and if she had thought about leaving...
when she would reply that no, she has`nt been thinking about leaving..it would relax me, and gave me the feeling, I need not be in a hurry to see a new councelor, everything is okay for now.....
but..on the flip side...if she had mentioned she was thinking about leaving..I would have probley got all upset..and it would have probley ended in an argument..
to further explain the situation..
she had a partial historectomy (spelling) last june...since then., she`s been in alot of pain due to other problems, that her doctor was still figuring out, and was talking of posibley another surgurie..
so needless to say..she was`nt always in a very good mood, not that she was mean to me...but just withdrawn, and laying in bed alot..which i totaly understood..
now here`s a big one...
just a day or so before she left..she had mentioned that she was was depressed...so I ask if it was me, and she said no, its because she really has no goals, freinds ect.....all her friends had been heavy drinkers, and basicaly bar flies ect..so she decided to stop asocciating with them, so as not to go back to drinking..so obviously, it was`nt my fault she had no freinds...and as far as goals, she spent many years on the bottle so to speak..so she really had`nt got any kind of degree ect..So I just told her to not worry about setting up some goals ect right now, but just keep on track seeing your doctor, and get your pain situation taken care of first..
anyway, she told me she just wanted a freind, a girl friend at that, in which she could talk about the girl things, and she was just depressed, cause she sat here day after day, while i was gone to work, which I work in a two person glass shop, and me and the other guy are pretty good friends..so I`m basicaly "hanging out" with a friend all day at work..I had other friends stop by now and then...but..I NEVER took off with them, or "went out with the boys" so to speak..I pretty much layed off ALL of that..
But still..I had friends that I could, and did talk to every day...she had no one..other then a quick long distance call to her daughter, and maybe her mom..
anyway, after she tells me about just wanting to have a friend...I ask her how is she suppose to meet new friends? (most of my friends drink, are males, and thier wives/girlfriends also drink) so obviously, my so called friends were`nt what she was looking for..
anyway, she said "well, maybe I could meet someone at an AA meting"....so, my reply...was well hun, more often then not, your hurting so bad, you cant even make it to the grocery store, so how do you suppose your gonna be able to all of a sudden jump up and make it to an AA meeting..plus...you dont drink anymore, and tell me you dont want to at all..
Sorry for the very long post..but I`m just trying to get as much info on this situation as posible..I`ve been looking back alot...and realizing.....I missed out on alot of things I should have realized..
Anyway, in a smart azz reply..I finaly said fine..wanna go to an AA meeeting, we`ll go tomaro....
Now let me add....what I think I have learned in the last week..of going to an AA meeting EVERYDAY...
It probley would have been EXACTLY what she needed..and would have been the best thing in the world for her...thats just my thinking..I could be wrong..
I had commented to her, that I did`nt see how your gonna "make a friend" at an AA meeting bacuase after the official "AA meeting" everyone just jumps in their car and leaves.....but I stand totally corrected...
the ones I go to are mostly all men..maybe a couple wives are there..and...not only have I discovered that there are 3 all women AA meetings localy....but I`ve also found out, that after the meetings, they often set around drinking coffee ect, and just talk about whatever, kids, work ect..
Looking back now..I see that she was soo lonely....that she probley felt that if she`s gonna be in pain most the day...she may as well be in pain around other girls she could talk with, laugh with, get to know ect..and...I`ll bet that being she went from being such a heavy drinker, to quiting, and staying sober..she could have certainly added some good advice/experiance during the meeting discusions..and then....done just exactly what she said she wanted to do...just chit-chat with other women about life in general, small talk make a friend ect..
So anyway...She still has`nt called me..I`m living with such regret that I can not hardly stand going through the day, knowing how bad I screwed up..and just did`nt listen to her like I should have..
the only thing I`ve heard at all so far from her mother, or daughter..is that her daughter told me she talked to her the other night, and told her to tell me, she misses me, and that she loves me...
but she just wont call me.........its killing me..I just dont know where I stand..and it eats at me worse then anything ever has..
I just cant stand the pain, of letting her down, when I wanted to be her hero and best friend...and I screwed that up, because I became jelous, and insecure...then to top it off, I totally slacked off on seeking a new councelor...and the last straw, was not supporting her wanting to go to AA..
and you wonder why I said in one of my earlier post..
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!
I caused it.....I would give anything, and I mean anything, to try and correct this..I`m going to AA metings everyday, as I`m also a has been drunk...but I`ve also found theirs alot of other type support involved, including god, which is something I think I need to truley change..
I have posibley two apointments next week with two seperate coucelors (long story as to why two of them)..but..niether is the old one..so thats a plus..anyway, their both next tuesday..
I`m doing everything I can...to be a better person, and find inner peace...and to also be the guy that can support my love unconditionaly..
There was a time, when I was not the jelous type at all....I got hurt bad back then...and its made me who I am today..jelous, and insecure..I`m trying to find a path, back to that guy that I once was..
but....when day after day goes by and I still have`nt heard from her....sometimes i really start thinking about just packing it in..I`m honeslty that depressed that I let my love down, and failed to support her as I should have..
dont get me wrong..I told her I loved her countless times a day, I rubbed her back every night, i told her she means the world to me almost everyday..BUT...I just did`nt listen and understand how lonely she was..and I let jelousy cause alot of grief...
Post Edited (Lost hope) : 11/1/2008 11:29:19 PM (GMT-6)