I feel horrible all the time. I have anxiety attacks and paranoia issues. In the past few years I have become socially retarded. I have developed a speech impediment that doesn't help matters any and I can't seem to ever find the right way to express myself. I'm starting to feel like I don't belong here in the weirdest ways. Technology seems ancient and futuristic at the same time, I have completely weird ways of looking at the world and people in it. I zone out and fixate on small details, not like ocd cleaning things down to the smallest details, although I have flipped out and done that on occasion, but things like while I'm driving I think about the wheels on the asphalt and the physical contact they are making or the fact that even though you cant see them, there are millions of pairs of socks hidden between the insides of shoes and peoples feet around the world and none of this seems right to me, not the fact that I feel this way, I obviously don't think thats right, but the fact that the socks are there, or the wheel is turning and touching the floor in that specific place at that specific time...and its not even a it doesn't seem right, I suppose its more of a confusing awkward feeling that I get and It may be because I realize that these are not normal behaviors, but that doesn't seem to fit.
When I drive over railroad tracks I see my car filled with people I care about getting smashed to bits by trains, When I see kids crossing the street I see my sisters being abducted and taken away. When I'm on the phone with friends, and the phone cuts out or they don't respond to text or answer the phone I assume the absolute worse and am ion a stat of panic until I get ahold of them again.
On the outside I try so hard to lead a normal life but all of these things continue to get worse and worse. I'm suicidal, I inflict pain on myself, I put myself down at a constant, I'm bulimic and try to pull myself out of it and then turn on myself and consider it to be failing and force myself to pick it back up again, although I know its just me justifying the disease. I feel depressed all the time. I feel alone in rooms full of people that consider themselves to be my friends. I can honestly say that I hate most of the people i associate with(most people in general actually).
I use to be so happy. I use to like my life. I don't know what happened, or what to do at this point. Im only 19. I know I shouldnt feel like this.
I don't know why I wrote this. I don't know what I expect from anyone who reads this. I re-read over it just now and can think of a million and one more things I want to put in here and can't figure out how to word it to get the message accross. Story of my life.