Depression getting worse

Hi I was wondering if anyone could tell me what the "normal" length of the greif process is or when one should be worried.  My sister passed away 3 months ago and I can't get passed it.  Moving on seems like an insurmountable task.  I never what to forget anything about her; yet I know I am missing everything that is going on now.  My daughter is getting married and I am just going through the motions, my depression is like a cacoon from joy and happiness.  Everyone experiences death of a loved one, I know that intellectually and I know that it is a part of life but emotionally I can not get passed this.  Maybe it is the way she died or that she was my little sister I'm not sure but the pain is like a hole in my heart.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to work through this, or have they themselves experienced moving past a horrible loss.  Thanks J

Hi Juliaa,

I don't think there is any normal! Greiving is a personal thing & everybody does it differently and in their own time.

I guess I partly know what your feeling right now as my Dad died 4 months ago, v suddenly - I'm 25 so wasn't really ready to loose him. I know what you mean about never wanting to forget, sometimes I feel that. I try & picture him & it gets hard. I think of all that things that I wanted to show him, like when I get married or have kids, he won't be there and that hurts.

But the way that I am getting through this is to focus on myself, life can be short & it can be snatched from us, so we have to make the most of it, every second we are given truly is a gift & I personally don't want to waste it, thats what loosing my Dad so suddently has taught me. I'd give absolutely anything to have him back, But at the same time I don't want to waste away any more of my own life on sadness & despair.

I go & visit his grave in the cemetary every week & tell him what I've been doing in the week.

Maybe you could try some sort of grief counselling to help you through this hard time?

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Confusedli

Hi Juliaa, My mum died of cancer just under 6 years ago, (I was 12 at the time) Nobody ever wants to forget anything about someone close to them, in this case, you with your sister, Confusedli with her Dad and me with my mum. For the last 6 years, I have held all my grief and anger and emotions inside, hiding them away from myself and others (making them believe that I was coping) But now 6 years down the line, I can't cope and have broken down completely because of it! I believe that as long as they are in our hearts and minds, we may loose them physically, but their memories live on. about your daughter getting married, go out there, enjoy her special day with her, and think of how proud your sister would be of her speical little neice, all grown up and starting a life and family of her own. Being open and talking to your family and friends, or even a counciler about your feeling, is a way to make you feel better in yourself. Grieving with the loss of someone is hard, but it's even harder if you grieve alone! Look at pictures and videos, and dont be afraid to have a cry because there is nothing to be ashamed of with crying. Take care of everyone close to you and live life to the full as you never know whats around the corner. My thoughts are with you x x

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Juliaa,

I am so sorry to hear of the death of your sister.  I have lost many loved ones, my Father, my Mother, my son ( age21), my godchild,  my oldest Sister just one year ago and now my only sister has Ovarian Cancer.

There is no time limit on how long you grieve, all your life you will miss your sister but start trying to celebrate the good in her life.
She would not want you to be unhappy, she would want you to have a beautiful wedding and make wonderful new memories at the wedding.

Grief is a normal and healthy response to loss, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose. Most grief runs its course with the support of your friends/family. But sometimes grief can trigger depression .
When grief triggers depression, the sadness can be unrelenting and overwhelming. Some people describe it as “living in a black hole” or having a feeling of impending doom. Even when participating in activities you used to enjoy, you feel as if you are just “going through the motions.” You may also feel numb, lifeless and empty.

I would like to encourage you to consider counseling to help you through this painful time. One on one counseling can help you understand your feelings as well as teach you skills to cope with your pain.

Thank you for all your kind words. I was considering getting grief counseling which I now realize is a good idea now. Thank you for sharing your painful stories. It helps open my eyes to my options of getting through this. I'm so very sorry for all of your losses. Thank you again for helping.

Juliaa

Keep on talking to us if you feel you would like too.  We are here for you.

Kitt

Thats what this site is about isn't it... helping others to help yourself (in a way) Happy to help anyway... hope things get better x x x

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Kitt is right,

There is no time limit on grief. So embrace it and go with it. You will feel better afterwards.

Yes this site is for helping eachother help themselves. I have found this to be a wonderful place. I am glad that you all are experiencing the same.

Hugs, Karen

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  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

There is no set time limit for greaving.My twin sister died 6 1/2 years ago and I will never be over it.Trying to act like I was over it and not dealing with my greaf and depression landed me in a very bad place in Jan.Anti-depressants and admiting that I will never be over it(just learning how to live with the loss)makes it posable for me to go on with my life.3 months is a very short time to even begin to feel better.Be open with your feelings and never let anyone make you feel like you are taking to long.Try to find a support group to go to or someone to talk to.I am sending you a hug and a prayer and I hope it makes you feel a little better.

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Lost half of my small intestine.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

MOM KITT KAREN everyone has made this make more sense.  I thank you so much for the words and thoughts you have "said" to me.  To others 3 months seems too long for my feelings to be so raw.  I really think now it isn't.  I believe that when someone passes away it also is how big a part of your life they were, as to how difficult it is for you to move forward.  I am going to have to stop listening to "you should be over this by now" and just steer my own path.  Thank you for helping me see that, everyone you've been very kind.  As for the depression, maybe this time its what I need to feel just for a little while, its part of the process of moving on.

Julia,

I am so happy that we could help you. This process that you are going through is yours and yours alone. Just go with it and embrace every moment, for they are yours also. We all grieve differently, and in our own special way. It isn't always a process of dealing with death, it is also a process of going through memories and good times, though it is still a sad feeling, it is healthy to go through. When it is time you will be ready to go on with the rest of your life, never forgetting the person that you lost, they will be in your heart forever.

This is a good thing that you are going through Julia, even if it seems hard. It is like therapy. And we are here to help you through it. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing and dealing with your grief. And not only is there no time limit, there is no right and wrong way to go through this. We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen

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  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

Juliaa, everyone is right that there is no set time for grieving.  I think it helps to let yourself feel the grief and cry when you need to.  Releasing your emotions will help with healing.  The only other suggestion I have is if you can find a grief support group.  If you live in a big city that has hospices they usually have support groups and your loved one need not have been in hospice to join the group.  As far as your daughter's wedding is concerned, try to enjoy the day for her and for yourself.  I know it is hard when you feel so bad but it is OK to take time off and celebrate something that is good in your life.  You will be OK.  Time is the healer of all wounds.  And keep posting here.  As you can see many people want to help and posting helps get your emotions out. There is always someone here who will answer you.  Try to take good care of yourself.  It is important to keep yourself healthy.

Juliaa,

Great comments and advice from all.  The people that asked me what was wrong when I would burst into tears 6 months after my son's death, mouths dropped open when I said Todd is gone.

It is now 18 years later and if I am feeling down or depressed I hold his picture and cry for him and then I remind myself how wonderful he was and we have our own little personal chat.  After that I get up and get going again.

Do it your way my dear Juliaa.  You cannot put a time limit on grief.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt 

Just a short note to find out how you are doing?Please send us a note about how you are doing.Thinking about you hoping that you are O.K.

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Lost half of my small intestine.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

Thank you for your concern. The 9th was a tough day for me but have been getting better with each passing day. All of you support has really helped. Sorry I went into solitary but I needed to think and deal with some of the issues of my sisters passing.asw