Welcome to HealingWell. This is a great place to
open up and let others know how you are really feeling, because lords knows that some of us really don't have anyone else that can understand how we are feeling. But here, I've found that people understand, empathize, and are really good at offering encouragement. It is one place where the people truly care.
First, please do not consider harming yourself. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and you are here for a reason. I've said things like that myself here, and the support and caring shown by the members is incredible.
Isolation is a major problem for me as well. Even when I was feeling really healthy and semi-socially active, I still felt isolated. I tend to drift towards solo activities, so even when I do leave the house, odds are good I'm not going to meet someone. I've moved around from state to state so much in my life, that I constantly find myself living in places where I know no one. My current state, Colorado, is where I plan to stay for a good long while, but I've been here a year already, and the only people I know are the people I work with...and it was only recently that I began to participate in some of our extracuricular activities. I don't have the same interests as most of them, plus I'm not married, so no family, which is another difference between us.
I have a medical condition that is currently keeping me housebound most of the time, so my contact with others is limited to shopping and working essentially. I do take full advantage of the time that I am at work to interact with others though. It is my one social outlet right now, and so when I'm there, it cheers me up...it also helps that I like my job.
Is there any way that you could take a bus so that you could try getting a part-time job? Or maybe try to volunteer somewhere? Knowing that others are relying on you or that you are helping others does wonders for motivation, and also makes you feel better about
yourself. Having all that free time to ruminate and just think about
stuff probably isn't helping you right now. Have you hobbies? Do you like reading? Maybe go to the library and just hang out there and read a book?
My sister's husband recently told me, in joking manner, that if I want to meet people I have to leave the house every once in a while. I told him I leave plenty, but if I also have to talk to people, that ain't happening...LOL. He is the type of guy who goes to bars, and can go in one, and within a couple of minutes, meet some strangers and hang out with them the rest of the night, which is not me at all. I sometimes use my medical condition as an excuse to stay home, but here, I am happily wrapped in my coccoon, and everything is safe. The outside is full of unknowns. Better to deal with the known bad than it is to risk my (mental) safety by interacting with strangers.
Boy, I hope that I at least let you know that you aren't alone. I think I ended up doing a little venting myself, but if that lets you know that I share some of your feelings, it should be alright. Also, if you need someone to talk to, get some more off your chest, I'm willing to do some listening. Or, just keep posting, because other people will keep reading. You always have a place here.
It is easy to allow yourself to get trapped into negative thinking. Mom's advice above about
seeking some outside help would be good to follow. If you aren't currently on any antidepressants, they might help you to gain some motivation. Take care.
36 y.o. male