Hi everyone, I am new to this board. I normally am at the MS board since I have MS, but something happened today that has me very upset as well as my brother and his wife. I was hoping maybe someone here could offer me some advise.
My Mother, who is 79 and divorced over 20 years and lives in a double next to my older single brother, has sufferred from depression as far back as I can recall. 3 separate times she tried to kill herself ( the last time was 15 years or so ago).
She has been on many different meds, seen many different Docs, but is unwilling to go for any more therapy. My feeling is she might be Bi-polar. She is a retired RN. She keeps an emalulant home.
Recently, over the past 2 years, she has been doing MUCH better. We had encouraged her to get active in some things which she is doing. Although she complains about everyone she meets at these function ( because she is a major perfectionist), she otherwise has seemed much more happy and eaiser to be around. She is extremly private and will not discuss with any of us kids, what Doctor she is seeing now ( or if she even is) or what meds she may be on. Believe me I have tried.
Theres way to much to go into, but Mom is very upset that her youngest son and his family dont seem to call her that often. They live about 2 hours away. They only moved this summer and with 2 little kids, very busy getting a routine going again. They call her about once a week. I call her about every other day and stop in to visit her or just take her shopping or whatever 3 times a week, usually. Still she complains we dont spend enough time with her.
In the past she used to write us these long letters and mail them to us kids, I mean LOOOOONG. 5 pages on leagl paper...all of it putiing us down for whatever and telling us all our faults. Finally we told her ( as her Doc recommeded to us back then) to tell her we would love to talk to her in person and go over what is bothering her rather than get these 'hate notes'.
Okay, now the present problem. At least 4 years have gone by since my younger brother or I have gotten one of these notes. Until today. My brothers wife called and near tears said they got another one and after reading it to me I am shocked. I had invited all of the family to come here for Thanksgiving and also for my younger brother and his family to stay here for the night so they would not have to drive back late. Mom said in her letter she is very angry that I would invite them to stay with me and that they should stay with her. That she would give up her bed for them. She said they are staying with me because we have a big fancy home and ( which I hear all the time from her) and hers is not good enough. Then she vented about our Dad, who died of cancer 5 years ago. AND about my sister-in-laws family who live 800 miles away. It was terrible. My brother and I grew up watching this behaviour and I tell you it was very hard. We have both been to counseling for it. My older brother was never around much...long story.
Mom is always saying how my brothers always had it the worst. Never me. I was the middle kid. 9 years between the youngest and 6 w/ the oldest. I saw her through 3 marriages and divorces, was abused by old boyfriends of hers...it was a mess. The Dad that died was actually my younger brothers dad, who adopted me. Another long story. Believe me when I say this, it is amazing I turned out as well as I did. Jesus was really looking out for me.
Anyway, I am happily married with 2 grown boys for nearly 29 years. I am very blessed for the life I live now compaired to the home of anger-hate and abuse I grew up in. I love my Mom very much. I know depression is a disease, and that it is the disease acting, not so much her. But this is like a yo-yo. I dont know who to talk to, go to or what. My brother, who got the letter, his wife said he is done. He cant do this anymore and now they are not coming for thanksgiving. My heart is breaking.
I feel mom needs to be re-evaluated but dont know how to get her in to go. Should I bring the letter up to her that she wrote my brother? I almost have to when I tell her they are not coming now. I fear this will send her over the edge again and she will try to commit sucide again. Theres so much more in that letter and I know this is getting very long, but thought you may need the background ( and theres so much of it).
Why cant she be happy and proud of how well my younger brother and I are doing? I know he does not stay in touch with her as much as I do, but she does this to me to.
My older brother is no help at all. She babies him something terrible and he takes huge advantage of her. There was a time I did counseling with her, but she turned everything around on me and even the counslor said I cant win in so many words. Mom wont go back...to anyone. I just dont know where to turn for help. Sorry this was so long.~Katie
What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own ; The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protecxt you!
Diagnosed ~ August 2008