Any feedback would be insightful
I've posted here from time to time. Basically, when I was younger was severely depressed/, but never really obtained any counseling on it. Over time, the severity dropped, but I feel that I've probably suffered from some sort of low grade depression for most of my adult life. However, periodically it flares up worse than usual.
Now that the background is out of the way, here is the situation. I was conducting a trial today, and it didn't go so hot. The reason why it wasn't great is complicated. Part of the problem is that the case sucks, part of the problem was my line of questioning probably wasn't as well thought out as it should have been (thats on me), but a major part of the problem was the judge seemed to be in a major rush to go pick up his daughters and behaved inappropriately (in my opinion). I really don't appreciate being dressed down in court when I really haven't done anything wrong, I really don't appreciate not being able to present my case because the judge has somewhere to go.
Now, here is where my question/comment is. I realize that the blame on this one can kind of be spread around. Yet, when I got home, I felt extremely depressed. I ended up sitting on my couch and kind of looking off into space for a while. The thing I hate is that it seems like my automatic reaction is one of depression. I really hate that suicidal thoughts (really uncontrollably) immediately sprung into my head. All of a sudden, everything just rushed back - feelings of being a failure, feelings of inadequacy, thoughts, feelings of hopelessness that I've been at least to some extent depressed most of my life and that it won't ever change, and just wondering what was wrong with me that I'm always basically sad. I just kind of shut down for a couple hours... I really have no idea what I did for a few hours there, I just kind of sat there and felt depressed.
I feel better now. I got my emotions back under control and so forth. The thing that peeves me is that, despite all these years, I still immediately turn to these sorts of thoughts and feelings when problems arise. I suppose we all have our burdens in life and this may just be one of mine. But that doesn't mean that I have to be happy about
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 11/14/2008 7:21:04 AM (GMT-7)