Posted 11/14/2008 1:29 PM (GMT -6)
Hello everyone. I'm in desperate need of some advice, and was told by my dr to find an online support group, so here I am. This is kind of a long story, so I'll start at the beginning.
I'm 25 years old, been married for 4 years and have a 3-year-old daughter, who is the light of my life. I was diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago, after what feels like a million tests, ranging from a thyroid panel to tests for anemia. I started taking Wellbutrin a few days later, but was taken off of it after a week, because I just happened to be in the 5% of people who get serious heart problems while taking it. I was placed on Prozac earlier this week, and I feel absolutely terrible on it. The exhaustion has increased dramatically, and I find I'm more irritable than usual, which is really saying something.
For the past five years things have gotten really bad for me, especially in the past year. My parents are getting a divorce, my brother has been in and out of jail, and my marriage is falling apart, which I know is probably my fault. I am not an easy person to live with. I get frustrated easily, and I can't stop myself from yelling as soon as I get upset. I have terrible mood swings, from being fairly happy one minute to snapping at everyone the next. In the past few months all I can think about is that everyone would be better off if I was dead. I made the mistake of saying that to my husband, who immediately came home from school to make sure I didn't "do anything stupid," as he put it. I feel completely worthless all the time. I snap at the drop of a hat, and make everybody miserable. Some days aren't all bad. I have the energy and motivation to clean my house, or play with my daughter. But the majority of the time I have absolutely no motivation. Even taking a shower some days is a chore. I know if this keeps up my husband will leave me, and I'll have nothing left.
He believes that this is something I should be able to control, like when I snap I should be able to calm myself down. Even as I'm yelling I know, in my head, that I'm being completely irrational and I should stop, but I can't. We got into a terrible fight last night, and once I calmed down I went to him and apologized, and tried to explain to him that I honestly can't stop myself. He said "Isn't it convenient that now you have an excuse never to be at fault for anything." That shocked me, because normally he's so supportive of this, and does anything he can to help me. But I think I really screwed up last night. I don't know what to do.