I don't know where to start, I somehow don't feel comfortable putting all my misery here online, though that is a part of what this place is for. Maybe I am afraid of losing you as well.
I just don't know anymore, I felt this coming for a while, as my state of mind got worse and worse over the last few days. I skipped school with some lame excuses (partly because I needed excuses for myself, not for school), and I just don't know what to do. A part of me wants to quit so bad, because I can't stand the endless cycle of having to prove yourself, having obligations that you have to do, even when you aren't feeling like doing them. I just want some rest, a time without pressure. But the other part of me is aware that there will always be pressure, because I can't sit down and do nothing. Quitting school will force me to get a job or so.
I actually got out of bed to write here, it got too bad. I had an imaginary dialogue inside me head as usual, this time with the counsellor I am seeing tomorrow. He asked me what I felt like. I answered that I felt like 1 of 13 sitting on a round table. When there is a goal to achieve, I can be the one leading to pack to achieving it, and be actively involved. When we have a break, 12 will turn chairs to eachother and have a face-to-face talk, I will be the one staring out of the window.
The truth is, I don't know anymore. All the great things I've learned in the last few months aren't forgotten, and still are a huge help, but they haven't integrated or so. Right now, they only confuse me more. Should I do what my heart tells me, and quit study? Or should I do what "society" tells me, and finish study. What will happen if I choose the first? Can I at some point find joy in study, or will it be like this forever? I would love to have a break now, a long vacation or so, but I feel I owe it to others to continue study. I share a house with a friend and I feel I can't just leave him. My parent's set me up with an entire furnished room and all, and I feel like I can't even risk to lose their support. They have been the only solid factor in my life. And I just don't know how they will react, and that scares me.
Another thing that is bugging me is the setting of my study. It is way too big, or so it feels. When there are 10 people it is easy to get to know them and feel comfortable, when there are 400+ it is almost impossible. Especially for someone who needs input from the others. I don't go out, I don't see others except while I am in school. Which is fine, since I love being alone in my room playing with music. But it makes it so much harder to motivate myself to go to school, because all I will find there is lecture, not friendship. I am aware that I can make friends, but the time and effort to start and keep up a friendship isn't something I have right now. It makes me feel lost inside.
I need to get rid of the obligations. Like with my piano lessons, I love them when there is no homework, but once there is, I actually feel uncomfortable going to them. Things like homework makes me feel like I have to prove myself again. And that create a fear of failure, resulting in no motivation to get started. At least, that is what I think, I just don't know.
And tomorrow there are several important things at school which I should attend. I don't want to, and I at the moment I think I won't go. I constantly find myself worrying about
the future, the things that I ought to do. Not only with study, but with everything. I worry about
a simple thing as going to the supermarket (thus delaying it until I really need something to eat). The only days I feel good are the days I can stay at home and do the things I want to do. Those are in fact the days things get done, the things I normally won't do. The others days are a constant battle, and like nearly all wars its outcome is useless.
I will go try to get some sleep now, as my eyes are tired of tears and sleep and watching a computer screen.
I hope you all have a pleasant day