Hi Gabbs and Hi Gettingby,
Gabbs, I don't know what your illness is, so I don't know the seriousness of it to know how to answer your post exactly, although I do believe you that it's serious and it's rough. On a practical note, I have seen that there are a lot of natural approaches that can help with chronic illness if what you are suffering with fits into that category. That being said, let me say that I also know the feeling of spending tons of dollars on products full of empty promises. I have gone the natural route myself and it is what has given me back what is a bearable version of my life though I have also gotten terrible 'counsel' and done myself harm because I didn't know any better.
Point of my story: I spent ten years suffering, eight years searching and only in March of this year did I FINALLY find a product that has helped and is something that seems right for me and the people who sell it actually know a great deal (which can be a rare thing in this and any field if you ask me) Anyway, I see myself getting better and am glad I didnt' give up.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2001, and have many symptoms although I still wonder if it is fibro. or just burn out - symptoms overlap. But in either case, being exhausted, in pain so much is depressing. I've been through a lot (moved about 16 times in eight years, homeless about 3 times. ..) and a couple years ago I didn't see any hope for my life. Between that and the emotional pain and ptsd, and the depression that set in, trying product after product, diet after diet, and often feeling like 'all that money and I feel worse!' it was a horrible hopeless feeling!
But things are getting better now. Sometimes we just need to take a break from knocking on doors and spending money - just cry it out, journal the feelings, and not try anymore to fix it - at least not for now. Then, when we feel stronger we can search again for some help. OR maybe that help finds us.
After all you've been through, I would think you must be feeling really tired. Just give yourself a break - do comforting things for yourself. Let the dishes go. Let the phone calls wait. Watch a movie you like. Listen to music. Or give yourself the luxury of eating ice cream in bed. Just do what will help you feel safe, comforted and lighten things up. Depression always makes things feel worse than they really are, and I know first hand when you are constantly trying to fix something that you can't fix - i.e. health - it takes a heck of a lot of emotional and mental energy and it's disheartening. Thing is, you may be right before the breakthrough. Just because you havn't seen results doesn't mean you aren't just an inch from seeing improvement. But in the meantime, maybe you just need a break to focus on loving yourself in other ways for a time.
You sound like you're a fighter. I am too. I'm strong willed. So it's been really really hard to accept the limitations that have come since my health broke down. But in small and some big ways I am recieving the gift of acceptance. Somehow we need to find the balance between fighting and seeking and accepting. I guess the serenity prayer is pretty applicable in situations like these! Speaking of prayer, I don't know if you do or if you believe there is a God, but there is a strength beyond yoruself that you can reach out to in times like these and always. The best therapy I have is when I just say it like it is in prayer - and I don't hold anything back. The one who made me knows what I'm thinking anyway, so I just pour it all out and feel a lot better after. I also read the psalms which helps me so much.
Anyway, I know how unfair it is to spend so much money, to trust people to help you who let you down, and also to reach out and to have the door closed by those who could help if they only chose to, but don't. It does suck. And life can feel horribly cruel. But teh bright side is always there. And at some point, I think the mercies in life catch up with those who are reaching for them and things do turn around. Over eight years for me. BUt its' starting. And just the other day I received an e-mail from a woman who for ten years was sick from chemical poisoning, lost all her hair. Really harsh. But she fought her way back and all her tests have come back normal now. Ten years she fought. Eight years and I'm still fighting. So, you are at the five year point - that is about the time when I began to really melt down from the pressure of things BUT now I can see the horizon and I'm making my way there. So I want to say that I don't think your five years have been for nothing. You're just at a point in the journey where it's maybe catching up with you a bit and you need a reprieve and some support.
So you may feel like you are at the end of yourself, your efforts etc., but maybe rather than seeing things as for nought, you can try to see what you've been through as stepping stones. Some day, the pieces are bound to come together. And that may not look exactly how you hoped or envisioned - or then it again it might - but point is, as long as you are reaching out and choosing to keep at this thing called life, things have a way of working themselves out and life has a way of recreating itself so that even in the toughest of places, beauty can spring forth again from the rubble of our despair and griefs. I have known this to be so.
Take care Gabbs. People here are routing for you and you are not alone.