Thank you all so much for your honesty and guidance. I've been involved in al-anon and ACOA for 20 years. I used to get to meetings at least three times a week. I will look into the Hud housing...it sounds like a good idea. I'm on the list for the County's Housing Assistance for over three years and still there has been no openings. I keep in touch with them regularly. I only need an efficiency, but at this point I could not move w/out taking my puppy Bailey with me. He's such a sweetheart and he really is the only good thing in my life.
Oh...My real name is Kathy. I was using the name "Willow" for a computer name for anonimity. Sorry for the confusion.
I do get out a lot. Unfortunately, it's not for myself. I've kind of gotten myself stuck in the 'caretaker' role. If I don't go for groceries, many times we'll go without. My mom and stepdad are not the type of people who would ever accept any help from the outside and they don't have visitors anymore. My mom doesn't like having people in her house and many won't enter b/c of the intensity of cig smoke. I've lost friends b/c of my sdad's crude sexual comments toward any female friends I've had here. I've stopped inviting anyone into this house b/c I know I'll lose that friend. Unfortunately I've had too much experience in that area. I need a friend desperately. I have tried many many times to move away, even leaving the State 3+ times. For reasons beyond my control, I ended up back here. I have no other family at all. My real father was my best friend and my rock. I was going to live with him when my health got too bad for me to work, but he died. I found him dead on the second morning I was there. I hadn't even unpacked my things. Having no place else to go, I found myself back here where I grew up, with my mom and sdad. When I go out it's usually later in the afternoon's or evening, when the pain is a bit more manageable. I usually end up sitting in my car for at least 45 minutes to an hour or more, before being able to drive to my next destination, b/c of the pain. I sit and wait until I feel that I can get into the store, pharmacy, etc... and use eyedrops to try and hide the red eyes I've gotten from crying b/c of the pain and the depression. It's not easy for me to get out, but I'll never stop trying as long as it's safe for me to drive. I keep stretching and moving and won't give up, no matter how bad the pain is. It's embarrassing when people come up to me in the grocery store and ask if I'm okay b/c they see that I'm sweating badly, having trouble breathing and leaning heavily on the cart, b/c the pain gets to be just too much to handle. I've been to the emergency room for help, but was not able to sit until my name would have been called. I wait usually 4 hours and then can't take it anymore before I must lay down...first in my car, and then when I'm able, I try to get home fast as I can, safely, and go back to using the ice packs/heating pad, and just praying hard to God to make the pain stop. I've also told my doctor about the bleeding/female problems. He told me that "even if they did find something wrong, that I could not afford to get proper treatment..." I know he's right b/c I've witnessed this kind of thing all too many times when I was a nurse. My faith is strong though and I believe the Promises in the Bible, where Jesus say's that; "He will never give us more than we can handle...", My favorite is: "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." I apologize if I've offended anyone here by speaking about my beliefs in my Higher Power. My faith is all I have left.
I swear to God on the Bible that I have tried to get Medical Assistance, Food Stamps, etc... 3-4 times and each time I've been denied. The DPA worker denied me each time, telling me that I was over the income limit b/c they honestly DO count my parents income against me. In PA, the Dept. of Public Assistance's criteria for giving one help, goes by the income of "all of the people living in the same household." If there is another way I can get around that rule, I'd be more than greatful for any link/documentation/etc... where it says something/anything, where I could fight their decision.
The decision about the Christmas tree has been made by my mom. Things got pretty bad here earlier today. They have a beautiful artificial christmas tree, but it's become too heavy for my stepdad to get down from the attic and my mom can't do it. It's just too heavy, and now my mom is getting to the point where she doesn't want to celebrate at all. My mom and I do exchange gifts, but I will not be getting anything at all for my sdad. Not to be ugly, but he's already warned us not to get him anything and we won't b/c he just gets ugly. There's no reason for me to call the police. The abuse is no longer physical. It's severe emotional abuse. I have already called the County's Women in Crisis number, but was told that they're so busy they can only help the women who have been being beaten by their spouses, boyfriends, etc... I just need help to get away from the emotional abuse and also need better control over the chronic pain and depression.
I apologize for my posts being similar. I thank God for the computer. It's my connection to the outside world. I guess I've rambled a lot huh? I just need to vent, and I do take all of the guidance and advice seriously and I am trying hard to help myself. I just need strength, a major decrease in the pain so I can carry through with your wonderful suggestions, and really need friends.
I hope everyone here is doing okay. My thoughts and prayers are with you all!
Thank you all so much,
Fibromyalgia, Myofacial Pain Syndrome, RSD-CRPS, 11 herniated discs w/ multiple pinched spinal nerves, Osteoarthritis, TMJ, Sleep Apnea, CFS, Narcolepsy, Hypothyroidism, Asthma, Insulin Resistance, Major Depression, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Bilateral Peripheral Neuropathy (cause unknown)...LONELINESS & POVERTY (lol...)
Other than the above, I'm in great shape!