I feel so desperate, what am I supposed to feel??

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 12/8/2008 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Saturday was the service for my brother, who died on Friday November 28th, 2008 at 14 years old. After the funeral, I could not stop myself from crying I kept holding on to my father and crying inconsolably. At least in the hospital and at the wake I was able to hold his hand or something. I dont know. Sometimes I am joking around and I feel absolutely nothing, almost like nothing at all happened and he is just at school. Then suddenly I cant stop crying, I realize he is not coming back and hes gone. My teacher gave me her phone number to call her if I was feeling really bad. I called her when he was in the hospital, then when they ran the tests, then when I found out he died. I was crying each time and I went through the same ordeal with her, just crying and wishing he was back. I dont know who to talk to, Im afraid to call her because Im sure shes had enough of me and my crying. I dont know, sometimes I just dont even act like hes gone ,I get mad at myself because it makes me feel like I dont care. Im so confused, I keep remembering him in the hospital, it feels detached though, I really just think hes at school or hes out with his friends, I dont know. What am I supposed to do?? I can't keep interrupting peoples lives for my crying. I need to talk to someone, what am I supposed to do. Hes gone, I cant grasp that.
Help meeeee

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42536
   Posted 12/8/2008 7:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sweetie,

I know how you feel. I feel that about my nephew. Like he is going to show up at any time. Then I realize that he isn't.

You are just adjusting to the loss. You will go through a lot of different feelings and that is okay. I would say call your teacher, I think that she would understand what you are going through. Maybe she can help you find some grief counselling. I think that would help you cope.

You have suffered a huge loss honey. And it is normal to feel the way that you are. The crying is normal too. You will shed many tears for your brother and that is healthy. Take this one day at a time. The reason that you feel like he is in school is because in your mind you want him to still be with you. That is normal too and it does not mean that you don't care. So try not to beat yourself up for your feelings. They are all normal.

Remember that we are here for you and let your teacher be there for you too. I am sure that she doesn't mind a bit. You should reach out to her. Someday somebody might reach out to you and you will understand, it is not a burden in anyway.

I hope that you feel better soon.

We are here for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 12/8/2008 7:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Beany I am so sorry for you.It takes a long time to learn to deal with the death of someone you are this close to.It has taken me 7 years.Please try not to hide from your greaf it wont go away if you try to hide from it you will have to find a way to deal with it.But first you need to give yourself time to greave.It is normal to think that he is just at school or out it`s just that we want that so much that sometimes are brain forgets once in a while.For a long time after my twin died I would be driving home from work and think to myself I THINK I WILL STOP AND SEE DIANNE ON MY WAY HOME then it would hit me all over agien that she was gone.Some times I would have to pull over because I was crying so much.I am sending you a butch of hugs and prays.
Lost half of my small intestineJan.2008.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst in June 2008,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed Jan. 2008,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Gallbladder removed Nov,2008.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 12/8/2008 10:32 PM (GMT -6)   

Dear Beany, I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your brother.  As others have said it will take some time to get used to and there is no set time for how long you grieve for someone especially a brother you were close to.  Have you thought about seeing a school counselor or a therapist to work on helping you deal wirh your feelings?  Another thought, is there a hospice in your area?  Most hospices have grief support groups and you do not have to have a family member who was in hospice to go to their support groups.  The people who work for a hospice are very specially trained and if they have a support group that may be a very good place to go to.  They often have groups for young people.  You would find a lot of caring and compassion.  There is also a group you can go online to, called Compassionate Friends.  That is an organization that may offer the support you need.  I am not trying to  break any rules here, but I do think it is important for you to know where you can go to get help. I know you are devastated by this loss and you can come here any time and pour your heart out and there will always be somoeone to answer you.  Again, please accept my sympathy for your loss.  Try to take care of yourself too and go to your parents.  This must be very hard for them to and they need you right now.

Gentle, caring hugs,


Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 12/9/2008 1:04 AM (GMT -6)   

Dear Beany,

Please do call your friends or come here and just let your feelings out.  You are with a family of loving members that have gone through your experience and still cry for their loved ones many years later.  It is ok.

I know I used to get mad when people told me "it will get better in time".  It does not make your loss easier but time dulls the pain. 

Do you have a grief counselor, ask your teacher as they usually have access to a list of counselors?

Let those tears out, and they will come in buckets sweetie, that is normal.  I had red eyes for months.

This time of year I still grieve for my loss and wonder how things might have been different.

Take our hands and let us help you.




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