Posted 1/1/2009 10:20 AM (GMT -6)
sadsoul, I want to say that I Think your a brave person, not just for posting here about your issues but how you take care of your husbend and mom and workovertime, that's not eazy, but I urge you to speak to them about your depression don't hide it, if your having hard times it's best to share it with someone who can understand.

Posted 1/6/2009 8:16 AM (GMT -6)
Sadsoul, you and I are thinking along the same lines.  I think about dying all the time.  As a matter of fact, I have taken out a life insurance policy on me for my two kids (ages 19 and 22).  I've told myself that if my situation doesn't get any better in two years, I am very likely to take drastic measures.  Life insurance policies pay out after two years of coverage if the holder commits suicide.
 
However, I fight back those thoughts because I know my two sons will be devastated without me.  I lost my mother when I was only 25 and her death has left a huge void in my life.  I keep reminding myself not to cause my sons the same pain I have been dealing with for the last 15 years.
 
I have struggled with anxiety and depression all my life.  I feel as though the only time I was ever truly happy in my life was when my sons were little.  I also struggle with the fibromyalgia which prevents me from having any social interaction with anyone.  I'm just way too tired and do not feel like having company.  I had to quit attending college because my situation finally became too much for me. 
 
I spend 90% of my time upstairs in my dark bedroom lying in bed and watching TV.  I bet I've watched every program on the History Channel.  I have nothing else to do.  The fibro keeps me from being able to enjoy reading, which was a favorite past time.  It seems the only time I enjoy listening to music anymore is when I'm feeling good on the Adderall.  I've always been an introvert and have never been much of a social creature.  I used to take so much delight in solitary pursuits but now I have lost all interest in anything anymore.
 
Luckily, I'm on Social Security and do not have to work.  But at least when I worked and was out in public around people, it seemed my mood was better.  However, the stress would get me down at times.  Because of the darn fibromyalgia (sorry about the expletive), I would not have the strength or energy to hold down a job even if I wanted to.  Either way, it just seems like a no-win situation all around. 
 
Probably the biggest problem I deal with that contributes to my depression is loneliness.  I am still an attractive lady even at 40, but I have not had a relationship, date, or anything else in over 4 years.  At times I think I want to start dating and will talk to someone on the computer and make plans to go out.  But then I will be so fatigued and overwhelmed with anxiety that I will not follow through.  It's very complicated.  At times I feel like I want someone in my life but I am just too tired to make the effort.  Also, sometimes I'm very grouchy and do not want people around me.  If I were to start a new relationship, I would never want to be around him except when I'm feeling good from my medication.  Most of the time, I would alienate myself from him like I do everyone else and would probably tell him to just stay the heck away from me.
 
I have become a total recluse.  My oldest son is away at college and my youngest son still lives at home with me.  He's about the only person I ever see.  Occasionally, I have contact with my sons' father and his family.  We have stayed close even after all the years he and I have been apart.  I have an ex-boyfriend that comes over occassionally to visit with me or my son.  We've also stayed close.  But there are times when I am very mean and hateful to him.  He has ADHD and is very hyper and talkative.  Because of this, he mentally exhausts me and makes me anxious feeling at times.  Because I am usually so fatigued and not feeling well, I become very irritable and will yell at him to just leave because I'm too tired to have any company.  I even go several days without answering my phone when people call.  I have become totally reclusive and have withdrawn from the whole world.  Living the way I do has made my life hell on Earth and that's why I constantly think about dying all the time.  But somehow, I'll keep hanging in there and hopefully life will get better.  It sure can't get any worse. 
Posted 1/6/2009 11:21 AM (GMT -6)
Sadsoul,and Callie T, I to understand where your coming from, I'm always telling my therapist I wish I could go to sleep and just not wake up. But I can't commit suicide though, My first Husband did and I had such a hard time dealing with it I couldn't put my girls through the same. And I have two beautiful grandsons that I've waited half my life for I could not put them through the guessing game. It's so hard to live with having someone close to you who has committed suicide. My H did it in 82 and not a day goes by that some how he comes into my mind. I'm always thinking if.... ,if only ...., and it never leaves. And I do believe in GOD, and I want to go to a better place, I don't think I will see him there. There are so many questions everyone has to deal with, and for the rest of your children' s life, their children' s and so on have the questions and comments why. I've even seen it on form's you have to fill out. My girls mean the world to me and I have the best man I could ever have standing beside me. although I think about it I could never act on it.

In 2006 I found out I have Crohn's, and over the years I've struggled with depression, and bipolar disorder. Its been hard to deal with everything, and that's when my mind goes to my first husband. Life sucks a lot of the time but I found if you get someone who can help, someone who supports you, and stand beside you no matter what. The thoughts don't leave you just know you could never act on them..... I push myself for my kids, Crohn's has taken so much away from me it drives me crazy . I had to quit my job because of it. So now I 'm fighting the gov for my SS. I just keep pushing on.....

I hope you two really think before you do anything, someone has to pay, I don't mean money, all the questions, they never go away, and they never get answered. And it will follow your kids the rest of their lives......


Dawn turn yeah
49 Female
Dx June 07 Crohn's take asacol 2x3 a day ,lotrel for HBP , omeprezole for stomach , potassium , calcium & Vit D , lomotil for lose stools , tramadol for pain , started humira in Feb 08 on 1 shot a week, vit-B 12 shots , crestor,off crestor,now pravastatin,off humira, pristiq, abilify,
Dx Bipolar May 08

Posted 1/6/2009 7:48 PM (GMT -6)
Hi Callie and NeNe,

Thanks for your replies to my post. I'm sorry to hear each of you are having such a hard time. I would never, ever kill myself. I just sometimes wish, like one of you said, that I'd go to bed and never wake up. I know that's a selfish wish, because my husband, daughters and mom would be devastated, not to mention friends and coworkers. Maybe it's a midlife crisis. I'm still too young to retire (22 yrs to go for full benefits) and too old to
feel young, if that makes any sense. My husband is a wonderful person. Sweetest guy I know. His heart problems have always been exactly six yrs apart. Each time, he nearly died. The first time, they were trying to do an angioplasty (he was only 37 - not overweight) and ruptured his artery. He died and they had to shock him 3 times to bring him back. My oldest daughter at the time was 6 and at my aunts house at the time. She was playing on the floor and looked up at my aunt and said "my dad just called me". My aunt asked her what he said and she said "just that he's thinking about me".
Well, she looked at her watch and found out later, that it was when he had died and they were shocking him to bring him back. Give you chills? It still does me. I asked him about what he remembers from that about a month afterwards and he said all he could remember was thinking about his little girls. He ended up having an emergency bypass - thank God they keep a surgeon on standby when they do an angioplasty. Anyway, besides being crazy busy at a stressful job (I worked 44 hours OT from mid December to New Years Eve) I have this horrible fear that he is just going to drop dead on me. He made it through 2008, so now that it's past 6 yrs, my anxiety about it has gone up a notch. The other 2 heart procedures were almost as bad as the first - something unexpected almost always happens and he nearly dies. He's only 55, but says he is never having another angiogram, and I can't blame him. I think a lot of my depression is because of this. I think I may make an appt with a shrink if I can find one accepting new patients. My GP suggested I might want to after my last appt with her. Oh, and by the way, my Mom is 77 and sharp as a tack. She has a better memory than me. I don't take care of her, I just know how much I mean to her as I'm her only daughter and best friend. I try and spare her the details of my depression, because I don't want her worrying about me. Sorry, I have rambled on. Ladies, here's wishing us all a better year than the last. We can hope, right?

Jean
Posted 1/7/2009 8:50 AM (GMT -6)

Good Morning sadsoul,

Just dropping in to say Happy Wednesday and know I am thinking of you.  You have received so many wonderful replies and that makes me so proud of HealingWell.

We are here for you.  You may email me anytime if you have questions.

Hugs

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Posted 1/8/2009 7:05 AM (GMT -6)
Thanks Kitt, that's awful nice of you to be thinking about me
You are right, I have had a lot of wonderful replies. Everyone
on this board is so nice. I had a nice 4 day weekend last week
but am back to hell at work this week. Working overtime and
there is no end in site - this month is going to match last month.
They are finally paying us overtime which will help when I get
my next paycheck. I rec'd a nasty New Year letter from the
State I live in on 1/2/09. They say I did something wrong in
my state tax return from 2005 and enclosed a nice bill for over
$400.00 - over $100 is interest! They must really be digging
for money to cover a budge shortage. Oh, and they expect
payment within 20 days. I've been so busy at work I haven't
had a chance to call them about a payment plan. Well, I just
got my wake up call (from coworker who calls at 7am to get me up - God Love Her!)
Time to get ready for work - wahhhhhh
I hope everyone has a better day than I know mine will be LOL

Jean wink
Posted 1/8/2009 9:21 AM (GMT -6)

Dear Jean,

My wish for you is a very good day and know that the end is in sight, quitting time does finally show up each day.  I hate doing my taxes so I take them to an accountant. let him make the errors.

I am sorry you had that dumped on you sad

I am glad to hear you had a good  weekend and know I am thinking of you.

Gentle hugs

Happy Thursday

Luvs ya

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Posted 1/10/2009 6:11 PM (GMT -6)
I am almost 52 and am jobless, penniless, transportationless, basically friendless, estranged from children, practically homeless in my brother's studio apt (who is also unemployed and depressed) and there are no jobs to be had here. Although I did apply for a part time job at Blockbuster.
You sound like you have alot going for you.
Posted 1/10/2009 7:25 PM (GMT -6)

I am sorry to hear of your situation alwaysdown.  I know that things will get better and perhaps it is time to start a thread on how the economy is affecting our members of Depression.

Do not give up, when you really down, the only way to go is up.

Hugs to you

Kitt


 

Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~*
http://www.healingwell.com/donate *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Posted 1/10/2009 11:51 PM (GMT -6)
Hey there alwaysdown,

I'm sorry things are going so badly for you. I know I am fortunate in many ways. While our lives are quite different, we share a common bond,
depression. While you wish for a good job, I have one but it is so stressful and is consuming so much of my life and time right now, it's
overwhelming. I really hope things improve for you soon.

Best wishes,

Jean
Posted 1/11/2009 12:34 PM (GMT -6)
Callie T,

Please know you can get out of that hole. You just need to do it. Fight back................I know where your coming from.

I have lost my Father when I was 39, My birth Mother died when I was 18 months old, my son was killed in a car crash when he was 21, my goddaughter shot herself and died at age 24, my oldest sister died in 2007 and my only other sister has stage IV ovarian cancer and headed to surgery in 2 weeks.

I have no aunts and uncles............my oldest son lives on west coast and throughout all that I had many moments when I did not want to be me.............but suicide is permanent and I think you are tougher than that.

Please get help................try our CBT therapy.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations,and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to
feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

CBT

The MoodGym Training Program
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/


I have had anxiety and depression for 26 years.............keep on working toward healing, we are here for you. (((HUGS))))
“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.”Leo F. Buscaglia

Gentle Hugs to you

Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 8/7/2010 11:02:00 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 1/12/2009 10:02 PM (GMT -6)
I understand completely this desire for a better world in the life to come. I too would not harm myself in anyway, but if I had an incurable disease, I would not fight it. But, life is precious, and if I were really faced with that situation, I would probably change my mind. I don't know.

So many disappointments and unanswered prayers in this life. I had thought that becoming older meant becoming wiser. I have matured in my attitudes and in knowing what's important in life. I have wonderful friends, but not much family left anymore and am single with no children.

I am always puzzled how people with children can feel as you do. I don't mean it as a criticism at all. It's just that it's been the big disappointment in my life that I had none and even though they come with problems, they give life a purpose and having them in your life helps account for time spent in a worthwhile way. A part of you will go on when you are gone, hopefully for their sake in the far distant future.

Children would be my reason to want to live a long time.

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