Thank you to all who have shared on this board to let the rest of us know that we are not alone.
With my spouse in total for 16 yrs, Married for 14, (he's been bipolar - with OCD & psychotic tendancies - the whole time, and undiagnosed till a couple of months ago). We have two children - 14 and 12. My husband also suffers from complex post traumatic stress disorder (he experienced every kind of abuse as a child. No, really - every kind.)
It is has been very difficult - I was young when we met, and I was very impressionable and naive, so I spent a lot of time doubting myself, buying into the paranoid accusations and thinking I must be a bad person, or insane as I couldn't understand why he was so sure I was out to get him all the time, and yet internally I felt only love, confusion and hurt, none of the manipulation, coldness and hatefulness I was constantly accused of.
As I became older and stronger, I realized I wasn't the problem. I researched, realized there was a problem. After probably a year of me asking, he agreed to see the doctor. This person told him there was no help from him but drugs that would make him relive everything in his sleep - to the point that he might accidentally attack me. Then the dr talked about himself and his wife's mental problems for about 45 mins. It's amazing that some doctors even get licensed. This man wasn't just incompetent, he was a danger to his patients. That was all that was needed to almost stop my husband from ever trying to pursue help again. I managed to switch doctors and convince him once again to try, even though I felt like I failed him the first time. This new doctor, a wonderful man, assembled a team to help him including a psychiatrist and psychologist, and he himself participates very actively in my husband's care.
Seroquel caused insane weight gain (my husband's family is rife with heart attacks, so massive weight gain isn't an option).
Ziprasidone (Zeldox) is exaccerbating all bp symptoms. His paranoia is epic, and the psychosis is escalating to the point I am worried about him becoming violent with others.
He is at the hospital right now - he was starting to show some really bad physical side effects as well (the kind they list under signs of stroke... wonderful how it just gets better and better, eh?).
My vacation started today. I feel like a bad person because I am very bitter that the only days off I will get this year with my family are going to be added to that ever growing list of things that get completely destroyed by this disorder. I am not a nurse, but I work in the support services field, frontline with people who are dying. I really needed just a small break, just a rest. I am so tired. Of all the coping.