I feel so horrible for you. You sound just miserable. Maybe it's worth a try to go back on the meds, at least for a little while, huh? Why don't you talk to your psychiatrist about
getting a new script
for them? I think that would help you feel better. Then, once you're feeling a bit better you can decide if there is some other treatment you want to try.
If you tell your doctor how depressed you're feeling without saying that you want to harm yourself, he can't force you to go to the hospital. I know sometimes going to the hospital just makes things worse. Can you bring your family with you to talk with your counselor? My family has never been supportive of me taking meds either, but they did back off some once my doctor explained to them that I needed them in order to live. You HAVE tried everything within your control to get better without medicine or hospitals. It's just too much. Just like people can get well from things like the cold by themselves, but can't get well from cancer by themselves, there are varying degrees of depression. Sometimes people who are not very depressed can find their own way to health, but when they get worse they need the help of doctors, medicine, or even hospitals. Try not to feel bad about
asking for help. You are doing everything you can to stay alive & healthy, and it's okay to ask for help to reach that goal.
Please take care of yourself & know that you can come here any time for extra support.