So it's been a really long time since I've been on here! My computer crashed and I lost this site =( Ok, I've been dying to rant on here for a long time, so I'mma do that now.
I wake up in the mornings and I wonder why I even get up anymore. I know I have a job and I need to be there, but sometimes the feelings are just so overwhelmingly bad that I can't get up. I don't miss work very often, and it kills me to miss it at all, but sometimes it's just too hard to find the will to make it.
A couple weeks ago was probably the worst I've ever felt. I didn't take my sleeping pills one night, cuz I was afraid that if I opened the bottle I wouldn't be able to stop myself from taking the whole thing, instead of just the two I needed. I fell asleep at 8 in the morning then. And when I was at work a few days later, I was cutting the potatoes when all of a sudden it hit me that I was holding a really sharp knife. The thoughts that went through my head right then totally freaked me out, but luckily my boss walked back in the kitched at that moment, so I snapped back to reality. Does that make sense? I'm not quite sure how to explain it. I don't want to die, I know that for a fact, and that's really the only thing that matters right now.
We just finished our ballet performance of the Nutcracker about two weeks ago, and I was a complete and total wreck the last night. That was my last Nutcracker ever cuz I'm going off to college next year. I guess I never really understood how important doing that show every year was to me. And it wasn't just like I was crying, it was the full out sobbing and shaking and freaking out. I've only got the upcoming spring show before my dance career comes to an end. I don't want to go professional with my dancing. I'm going to find a small company when I go to college next year, but I'm not going to do any more performances. I've been doing these shows since I was 6 years old, and it's a major part of my life. I dance more than I do school, how weird is that? Everything just kind of hit me on that last Nutcracker night.
I've got a couple good things to report though =) I'm 5 foot 8 inches tall, and last spring I weighed 150lbs. I know that's not too bad for the average person, but for a dancer it's totally different. But I just got weighed last week, and I lost 17lbs! I'm now 133! I'm so happy =) My ballet instructor took me aside a few weeks ago, and she told me that she really wanted me to be Odile in our production of Swan Lake this spring! I just need to buck up and come to every single class from now on and work really hard, but I'm so excited! That would be a great way to end my dancing =)
Okie dokie, it's 1am here and I really need to get to bed and try for some sleep soon. Thanks for letting me rant once again!
I took out one sentence but I am sure the members will still understand your post :)
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 1/15/2009 8:21:17 AM (GMT-7)