May I gently suggest you tell your wife how you are feeling. As a wife I would want my husband to let me know the thoughts and feelings he is having as we are a team, a couple, joined together in everything else. He has helped me through many tough times even if he is worried he is my rock.
Let her know and always know if you start to have the bad thoughts go to the ER, call 911 but access emergency help before acting on anything. There is always help my friend.
My Pdoc informed me to let the scheduler know I would like to be called for cancellations when I have a long wait on my next appointment. You may want to try that approach as many patients do cancel their appointments.
I have had depression for 26 years, I live the life you are living too. I am doing well right now and I am feeling the best I have felt in 3 years.