It's an important question that you asked. Sometimes people (or me at least) can shoot off a quick reply to someone if they don't need any time to think up a good response. I don't think anyone meant to ignore you. I know I didn't. You are very kind & caring to all of us. Try giving it a bit more time so people can log on & go through the posts until they get to yours and then have a chance to think about it. We really do care about you and wish the best for you.
As for your sons, they are entitled to their opinions whether right or wrong. In this case, you say you agree with them about being overly sensitive. I don't think that you should NEVER help them. I just think you need to decide on some limits & stick to them.
Have you laid out ground rules for how you expect them to treat you? If everybody knows the ground rules up front, I really think it would help.
Ahead of time:
1. Be specific &, if possible, put your expectations in writing for them (e.g., "if you want to borrow something of mine and I agree to lend it, you will need to do the legwork to get it").
2. Tell them what the consequences are for breaking one of your rules (e.g., "if you start to tell me about your personal problems, I will hang up the phone and not take any calls from you for the rest of that day.").
Make sure the consequences are ones you can live with. Unenforced rules are worse than no rules at all. One key benefit is that you don't have to get into arguing emotions when they are doing something that you have said is unacceptable.
When they break a rule:
1. Just state the rule & consequence (e.g., "one of my expectations is that you don't call to talk about personal problems, but you did that today. because of that I am hanging up the phone & will not be taking your calls for the remainder of the day. please take care of yourself. i love you, son. good-bye.") and,
2. then enforce the consequence (e.g., hang up the phone and don't call back/take his calls for the rest of that day). It really does help keep the emotionality from going so high that it ruins the day.
3. Don't hold it against them going forward. They already heard the rule & consequence. Go forward with your relationship. If they break the rule again, follow the same steps unless it really becomes routine for them to break the same rule, in which case you may need to step up the related consequence (e.g., don't take phone calls for a week when they break the rule).
I know it's not always easy at first to be so open with people about your expectations of them. There is this false assumption that everyone should just know how to behave or that we don't have any right to expect people to treat us well. The reality is that we teach others how to treat us. You are too valuable to continue being miserable. Please consider whether this is something you can do. Perhaps your counselor can help you with it.
I'm sure things will work out okay & you will get through this. It sounds like you really care about your sons & would do anything to help them out. Once they learn how to follow your example and show the same care & compassion back to you and others, I'm sure things will be much happier for everyone.
Also, I think Karen had some really great advice about practicing not letting what people say get to you so much. There is a lot to be said for that. I'm always trying to work on that myself. It is so hard to do but really makes life much more enjoyable when our happiness is not tied to what others think, say or do.
hugs & prayers,