its hard, cos ive always been this ultra confident person with tonnes of friends, life of the party etc, despite all my problems, but emotionally i lost my self esteem when i gained a large amount of weight (zoloft related) in a very short space of time. so i have no confidence in my body image, but the core of who i am is confident- im confident that im good at my job, that i try my hardest to make stuff work- but at the same time, i feel like an immsense failure, and i can lie here for days, dwelling and wallowing in the pain of my past. its kind of sad that at 28yrs of age- i dont mind if i have a stroke in my sleep.
let me make something very clear- i am NOT suicidal, and thank God, have always sought help before getting to that point. but im tired of the daily battle of putting on my 'coping' mask and just trudging along. in my final year of high school (1998) i had a '5 year plan' as i called it.
- Be married to my soul mate (we split after 3 long and hurtful years)
- Be a registered nurse (failed chemistry and never got further than an enrolled nurse. i specialised in oncolgy)
- Still have a killer body and be confident and happy and healthy (well that backfired)
- Not let my illnesses control me
- To have at least one child (turns out i cant have children. period.)
and the list goes on. life did not turn out the way i planned and i accept that- but sometimes it is hard to swallow. so now to balance out my plans that went askew, im going to focus on the things that went well:
- Happily single, rather than trapped in a loveless marriage
- went back to university and got a double degree
- i enjoy my job as a high school teacher
- my faith is strong, My God has His plans for me
- I lead a pretty normal life considering all the junk thats wrong with me
- i have amazing family and friends
it wasnt meant to be this long- *sorry*
'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ disorder, Endometriosis, PCOS, Chronic E.N.T and Upper respiratory tract infections, Reactive Arthritis, GERD, IBS, Glandular fever, Migraines, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania, PTSD, Seasonal Mood Disorder, OCD, Benign Vertigo, Impaired immune system. Tachycardia, tinnitus, low clotting factor= bruising. Tendonitis, Bursitis.
Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Celebrex. Mobic. Panadeine Forte. Digesic. Nexium. Phenergan.
Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
Age:28. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14. Proud Aussie.