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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/1/2009 9:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I'm depressed and can't seem to help myself.  My second ex-husband molested my then 15 year old daughter in 2003.  This wasn't her father.  Her father hadn't contacted her in eight months prior to the incident but stayed in contact after the incident to make sure he took sufficient time to blame me repeatedly for what happened. After police dragged the 2nd ex out of the house, I also discovered he had me in debt I knew nothing about.  Found out a lot about him after he was gone.  Like he didn't file taxes for years and was a complete screw-up.  Packed up the belongings of him and his three children, got divorced, worked on selling the marital residence which was in my name and which was three months behind on the payment by then -- took me 6 months, legal proceedings for the molestation took a year, dealing with the emotional trauma to my daughter took quite a bit longer.  She was a mess and had to switch schools because the ex's same-age, same-grade daughter was writing nasty things about her on the restroom walls.  Got her GED at 16 rather than finish high school because of all the problems and has since graduated college at the age of 20.  She's actually in a very good place now mentally and never seems to think about the "incident".  Paying off the debt single-handedly took about 4 years.  I was probably a wreck throughout, but no one would really have known and my mantra was "keep moving forward in a positive direction." I was and am highly functional, took care of everything that needed to be done without missing a day of work at my 50+ hour per week job -- even if I stayed up all night long night after night with my then suicidal teen-ager.  So, here I am 5+ years later, debt's paid off, moved to a new city, daughter's great, I have a great job and make great money but I am more depressed than I have ever been in my life.  I also get panic attacks.  I have isolated myself and have no friends and don't seem to want any.  Can't bring myself to date though I am still in my early 40's and reasonably attractive.  I work hard but that's all I do.  I'm up to 70 hours a week (salaried) and when I'm home I clean or sit on the couch.  I have no emotions other than the anxiety.  I don't cry.  I have no anger.  I'm just empty.  I don't particuarly feel depressed, but I know I am as I have no interest in anything and I was never this way before.  I am glad I am functional (able to work and keep my house compulsively clean), but I don't want to live this way.  I know I am blessed that my daughter is doing so well and I have a good job and two cats that I love dearly.  I should be happy and I hate myself for not being happy.  So many people have it worse.  I've tried seeing a few counselors but it didn't do anything for me.  I know all the things I should be doing and what's wrong, I just don't know how to make it better and none of them seemed helpful either. I don't know what made me type all this.  I think I just needed to get it off my chest so, thanks to the site for the opportunity.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42531
   Posted 2/1/2009 9:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Greatpretender,

I am so sorry for what you have been through. That has to be tough. Is it possible that you have kept it together for so long that you need to relax for some emotions to come out?

My advice is to take life one day at a time and see what happens. But you need to do some nice things for yourself too. You probably don't think that you deserve them, but you do. Try relaxing with a nice bath or something. Put on some good relaxing music and light some candles. Do you ever do that for yourself? You have been a good mom and now is your time. Allow yourself that much.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 2/2/2009 10:16 AM (GMT -6)   
greatpretender, I would really start by talking to your daughter, she can be your best friend, ask her to do stuff with you , like goto a cafee or visit friends or do some activities, how about some travel! or walking or anything that can change your mood, it sounds like your now exausting yoruself from work so its good to plan for a vacation with you and your daugheter somewhere nice.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/2/2009 6:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Greatpretender
Welcome to HealingWell and I am so sorry we have to meet this way. With your past trauma it feels to me that you have many reasons to be depressed. mad
Do you see a psychiatrist and if I may ask are you on any meds?

IMHO 70 hours a week is overkill especially if you are salaried.  Do you have to put in that many hours. Perhaps you could cut back those hours and try a volunteer job where you just go and help others..................there are many in need of someone to help them and with your past history you know what it feels like to need help.

I am a great believer in staying in the moment which I learned in therapy. Making ourself miserable is how we tend to spend a lot of time in the past or the future. We spend much time thinking about what was and what could have been. And we spend much time projecting into the future and wondering about what may happen.

This way of thinking is indeed a great way to make much of your life a lot more miserable and limited than necessary. The key to solving this problem is of course to live as much as you can in the only moment that you ever really live in and control. This moment right now. The moment that is all there ever was and - probably - will be.

I am here for you and just coming here and talking to us tells me you want help so please do keep talking to us.

Gentle Hugs



Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 2/2/2009 9:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Kitt. I'm getting through. The site has helped. There are so many sad stories on here . . .helps put things in perspective and make you feel like you're not alone. No psych at the moment. I've tried more than I can count through the past 20 years and just never felt like they were doing anything for me I couldn't do myself. I've had quite a few situations most would term tragic through the years and shrinks usually just say I have every reason to be depressed and anxious and of course everything I'm going through is normal. I know all that. i want help and that's where they seem to fall short.

Saw one twice in December who really wanted me on meds. I tested off the charts on both his little depression questionaire and the anxiety one. I just didn't connect with him at all so, I haven't gone back -- as usual. No meds. I think they serve a valuable purpose for many people. I tried Prozac and Buspar earlier in life and just didn't see a benefit and hated the side effects. I don't really take any meds, even Advil, unless it's antibiotics for a definite infection. We'll see. I did get back on the treadmill yesterday thatnks to Katelie's post and I think that will do me worlds of good. I've gained weight the past year in my depresssed state -- not a ton overweight but enough that's it made me want to go anywhere even less. I know if I can get back to a comfortable weight it will do me worlds of good. Every day a work in progress and a chance to begin anew.

I do like volunteer work and should do more. I just haven't felt well enough to help others when I've felt like I could barely help myself. Day by day.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and positive thoughts to you.
Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks
Keep moving forward in a positive direction . . .

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