I'm posting here, because I think I need a bit of support.
Earlier this month, I agreed with my psychiatrist that my meds needed changing, my Mirtazapine were holding up my weight a little bit less-well than normal, I no longer felt any sleep benefits from it, and I was having a hard time at home. I wasn't feeling great, just tired and down, but that was it.
Last wednesday, while in hosp for my routine IV antibitoics, the cross-over began. They were originally going to just add in Sertraline as extra support, but after a bad reaction to that in the past with Prolactin levels going wappy, it was decided it wasn't a risk worth taking. Plus sertraline used to make me energetic, Mirtazapine sleepy. A combo of those 2 seemed a bit weird and would probably have caused them to clash.
So then it was decided, the only other option was to come right off Mirtazapine, and go onto Lefopromine. I thought this would be ok, I thought that it wouldn't be a big deal. I was already a little down, how much worse can it get. So, on Wednsday Mirtaz went down to 30mg, Lefopromine started at 70mg. This Monday, Mirtaz went down to 15mg, Lefop went upto 140mg. Friday will be my final day on Mirtaz and myt final dose increase of Lefop to 210mg I think, and I'm dreading it. I'm literally just clutching on with my fingers on the border of sanity here. Or at least that's how it feels. I've been off Mirtaz in the past, and this is exactly how it felt then.
My Psych left me out in the cold a bit, and it's been killing me all weekend. I've needed to talk to her, and it's been getting worse each day. Yesterday in a fit of panic I walked upto the outpatients dep. at the other side of the hospital, dropped off a pile of letters and poems and other things I had written, to my Psych then bolted back to the ward. I had to hold my breath until I got into my room, as the running had caused an asthma attack, and I didn't need anyone on the ward to know-because then they'd have asked me where I'd been, and why I'd even considered running-what if I'd fallen over?
I also did about 100% more in physio yesterday, went on a walk around the entire perimeter of the hospital (which is a looooong long way), went on 2 other walks round various other bits of the hospital. It was mad, I don't know what possesed me, but I couldn't sit still, even though my legs may aswell have been jelly the weakness and shakiness they were. It didn't hurt-or I enjoyed the pain-I'm not sure which is the most accurate yet. But rather than feeling tired, I found more energy and wanted to do everything all over again, except this time faster, with more effort. I didn't though, but only because it finally twigged into me that I was gonna suffer today for all my efforts.
Like a magical thing though. I feel no pain today either.
I don't like any of this. I should have been collapsing yesterday-being as I took my crutches nowhere! Usually 1 mile has me collapsed in a heap, struggling to get my legs to work and them to stop working. IT's not that my legs are miraculously better either, as my enzyme levels are super high, meaning I REALLY should have been collapsing in a heap.
I've told all this to my psych-well except about all the walking I did. Just that I'm feeling in a complete and utter unstable state of mind, and that I could do with a bit of help. I'm seeing her today, but I no longer feel ready to talk toher like I did yesterday. I just want to run a lot more and hide and not come back out until the world has ended, so it's not as hard no more.
I am completely trapped in my negative thinking, and every single thought is either a really bad one, or one of Sami. Even my drawing, where I usually draw pretty things-has turned into all the qualities of Sami turned into an angel-or of daggers and needles dripping blood.
This isn't good to me. I don't know what I can do about it, except try and run it out of my system. But I've proved to myself that isn't the way, as then my thoughts just get harder.
I feel so trapped, and I can't tell a single person on here about it, I have to wait for my psych-but then I'm not sure I want to even face it yet, and I'm not sure I want it fixing either. I just want it to feel more bearable I think.
I'm so confused. I'm meant to be going home today, but know I will be less safe at home. I desperately want to go though at the same time. I'm gonna end up starting war as one person tries to send me home, the other tries to keep me here. But, whichever the result is, I'm not going to be happy with it. I've got my own war going off in my head saying the same things.
Is this because of the med change, or is this just a coincidence?
Moderator of the Cystic Fibrosis Forums
Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild Liver Cirrohsis, Mild Osteopenia, Erythema Nodosum. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Serevent, Salbutamol, Paracetamol, Ondansetron, Nefopam, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Saline neb/PEP system, Mirtazapine, Slow-Sodium, Azithromycin, Cirpofloxacin, Septrin, Omeprazole, Tobi Ineb and Fresubin.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since Nov 05
Sometimes, I feel that I should go and play with the thunder - then I get scared and run away.