Hey everyone I just wanted a place to get out what I've been feeling lately and what a better place to do it where you get support and understanding. I've just come to the realization that things aren't going to get better unless I get a job. I was thinking about trying to get a little better or just wait until I feel it would be the right time but I kind of had a ephany. I started thinking that I could go to the park, go for a walk, go walk around a store, just try to do anything that would get me and my son out of the house and basically accomplish some of my fears and feel good about it in this healing process. And it never sounded good to me because honestly I'm just so tired of being alone because I would do all of those things by myself because I have no friends. I figured that wasn't going to be my answer. I feel that the only way I won't be isolated, to be around other people, to have something to do, to feel like I have a purpose, to feel a sense of independancy is to get a job. It's weird because I did have plans to get a job but I guess I see it in a different light now. The first couple of weeks taking my meds I changed my home life into something I was happy about instead of being miserable but it didn't last long because it got old and I felt like there has to be more. I've been feeling stuck for the last 3 weeks but I'm trying to feel good about this new thought. I've applied to a few jobs so far online and when my son goes back to care next week I'll go out to a few more places around here.
I had a talk with my SO lastnight and it felt good. Just letting him know that I'm scared to go back to work because I don't want to mess it up this time. I want to feel good about working and hopfully like what I get. I just want to be able to take initiative and be responsible. I also broke down and cried with him lastnight because I told him of my realization a while ago with my counselor about my parent's. And that I'm angry that they didn't raise me to have ambitions and goals, they didn't raise me with any kind of tools to be a adult in the real world. They didn't care enough that I dropped out of high school after tenth grade, they didn't care enough that I was 13 and dating a 21 year old, which ended up with 3 yrs of mental and physical abuse, they didn't care enough that I was drugging it up and smoking, they didn't care enough to give me rules and boundaries. They just didn't care enough to try to mold me into the best adult I could be to be in the real world. I'm crying right now just thinking about all that because it just makes me so mad. I've always depended on guys and relationships. After that 3 yr relationship I was with someone else for 2yrs then onto someone else for 4yrs. I've never really been self sufficiant, there have been times where I have but all my young life has consisted of is relationships. I'm not saying that I'm blaming them for my life as it stands now but I can really see why I've struggled all my life! Anyway, I will try to feel good about getting a job I hope that good feeling can stay with me. I just really need to build my confidence and self esteem. And Karen, thanks for recommending the book "Feeling Good" I'm only on part 2 but it's so interesting and I just want to soak my brain into it more! I'm going to try and read as much as I can today! Thanks for listening if you got through this. I know long posts are hard.
editing to add and correct. I'm a profectionist lol!
Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 2/13/2009 9:53:26 AM (GMT-7)