What is it about
me that I dont understand? Why do I feel the way that I do? Why cant I catch a break? What can I do to get better, to change things? How is that even possible?
These are just SOME of the questions Im asking myself. I dont know what it is, but lately I have been completely dead. Thats the only way I can explain it. I dont feel ALIVE. Thats really the only way I can explain it...
I talked to my guy friend. I didnt want to talk about it, but he always WANTS to know and help. So, I talked to him. Thats how I explained it. I feel lifeless. I dont feel happy at all. I feel angry with myself. I feel angry with the people around me for not noticing my pain. I feel like I have tried my options and nothing has worked. I talked ot my counselor, to my teacher, to my friends...I did the whole self harm thing. None of that helped. Im not sure if saying this is against the rules(mods can delete if they feel the need), but now I have started over-medicating. Not to like hurt myself. Only because it calms me down and mellows me out. But, I actually find myself going through the medicine cabinet. I think to myself, what kind of person does this? Ya know...
I cant help it. I feel so lifeless and gone. Past what can ever regain life. I cant even stay in my room anymore. Something about it makes me feel depressed and alone. I even have a puppy in there. She chews and plays with toys and sleeps in my bed, she doesnt mind. But, I go home from school & go to my lil brothers room. I stay in there alot. I feel not so alone and safer. I feel I am less likely to do anything to myself.
But, last night was bad. His girlfriend had to go to the hospital and he was really upset and worried. So I stayed with him all night and waited on phone calls. She has appendicitis. Most likely surgery today. I talked to him and promised to take him to the hospital after school. I feel really bad for him because our family isnt very 'caring'. We dont express it much, but for him to care so much for her makes me kind of proud of him. So..
Anyways...I spent all weekend with my friend. He spent the night all weekend. And we went to a nearby bridge and just hung out and went to eat. He kept my mind off things, but at the same time made me wonder about things. Im in such a horrible mood. He's trying to talk me into telling someone. I dont have the heart to tell my parents. I cant imagine there reaction if I told them the truth.
But, maybe its time. I have my friend and brother for support. He told me he hated what I did and he didnt understand why I would want to do that. It made me feel like Im disappointing him. I should be setting a good example for him. But, he understands because I think he's unhappy as well. I think most people that live in my house are.
Im thinking of going to the school counselor again. But, Im just not sure. I really just want to cry..and sleep. I was up all night with my brother then had to come to school. Im so exhausted and drained. I want to cry because of what I've done and how I feel.
I suppose Im only "blogging" how I feel or what Im thinking. I dont expect anything in return, I just needed to get this out.
Lyrica(14 months) and Paxil(about 6+- months)-both helping some, but would like to see better results
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."