I am a prime example of "Irresponsible". What the heck is wrong with me!!!!

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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 2/20/2009 2:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Okay, I am really sorry.  Late me just state right here and now that I am having my very own public meltdown.  This meltdown makes the ones my daughter used to have at three look like nothing.  So, if you are not up to reading this please feel free to move on. ....And if you feel the earth trembling at some point it's probably me stomping my feet.
I need to pull myself together and get my act together.  I have been so depressed and "low-functioning" as my therapist stated that I have been downright irresponsible.  I just spent 3/4 of my day filling out remediation and appearance paperwork to bring to the courthouse and send to my bank's attorneys and everyone else that was recently named in the summons/foreclosure papers that I just received.  I spent almost 2 hours going to the courthouse to personally deliver these forms and sent four packets out to other parties via certified mail.
I come home to start a little bit of homework before I have to start doing my financial statements that I will need for the remediation.  But first I picked up my mail and what do ya know...I received a policy cancellation statement for non-payment of my auto insurance policy.  As this was not the first time that this has happened my insurance agent was not able to get my policy reinstated.  Thus, at this very moment he is calling around for quotes from other carriers.  He doubts that I will be able to get another policy because of my credit...you know currently being in foreclosure and all.  I may end up in some sort of "pool" that has astronomical rates.
The other day my therapist said I am functioning at a very low-level.  I haven't been able to keep everything together.  I have two kids and I need to be together.  I am so mad at myself for being so stupid and irresponsible.  I have two children and I need to have a healthy and responsible household for them.  I don't know what it will take, but I swear to whatever higher power might be out there that if I can live and survive through the auto, the house and all the other bills piling up.....that I'll find a way to be a better person.
But in the meantime I know I am fully responsible for finding a way to handle all of this correctly - like a normal adult.  But I still hate this depression.  I hate who it has made me into.  I hate the good parts of myself that it has taken away.  I hate that the medicine has made me fat and uncaring.  I hate that I'm not being the kind of mom I should be. I hate that I can no longer be proud of who I am.  I hate that I can no longer feel happy and only feel pain - when I am able to feel at all.
I guess I'm done for now.  Perhaps I'll take some of my Xanax and crawl under my covers.  My girls are with their dad until tomorrow night so I can feel free to spend some more of my own time irresponsibly.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42431
   Posted 2/20/2009 5:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Cass,

I don't know where you are calling yourself irresponsible. Did you not pay the bills, or did you not have the money to pay the bills? You keep blaming yourself for everything. But there are many people in your shoes right now. So quit beating yourself up. And even if you didn't pay bills, that you could of paid, you have to look at it as you made a mistake and you learned from it.

I see you are working on it to rectify everything. I hope that it all works out for you. I know that it isn't easy right now, but take it as it comes. One day at a time.

I think I asked you before if you have anybody that you can stay with until you get on your feet. As I recall though, I didn't submit my post and I don't know if I mentioned that there is department of human resources that may be able to help you. They will help you with house payments food and other things that you need, medical, dental and so on. So there are options for you right now.

I hope that you find some help in saving your house. I know that it means a lot to you to be able to provide the necessities for your children. Keep plugging along. You have a lot on your plate and it is easy to see why you would be depressed. Remember we are here for you for moral support. And we are praying for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 2/21/2009 11:17 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi Karen:  Thanks for responding to my meltdown.  Yes, I had the money to pay for the insurance but kept putting off paying that bill to pay for the more immediate needs.  That system obviously does not work for me and I am working really hard to change and fix things right now.  In fact, I have an appointment with a woman from Catholic Charities on Monday morning to go over all my finances, budget, records, etc. to help me with the bank's remediation lawyer and straighten me out going forward.

I guess I just need to realize that it is going to take a lot to get this all fixed and may take awhile. Yesterday though I just really needed a breather before having to fix another one of my bad situations. But it ended up being okay. I found another insurance company and I'm actually better off with it so that is all fixed now.

Thanks for bearing with me and being so supportive.  At the moment I am really trying hard to keep my house.  I don't want it foreclosed.  As to whether or not it will be realistic to keep this up afterwards in the long run I guess sitting with an objective person who is an expert on this on Monday will help me to see what I will really have to do.

I feel really guilty and a little selfish right now because I jeaopardized my finances by going back to school full time and then not feeling well with my depression.  I just want to give my girls a better life than I had growing up and at the moment all they see is how stressed I am and not being successful at carrying through with "normal" things that I should be doing for them.
Thanks again,
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