thank u...thank u-just for taking the time~when people have been thru similiar situations it gives me hope.i am not married to this man, he reminds me "that im nobody's wife" every other day.i think thats the biggest obstacle for me aside from everything else. if we where married, i could possibly leave..like yesterday! but being that everything he's built over the years, house, good credit, ect...w/o me, i have nothing to my name xept unpaid medical bills, giving me bad credit w/o any credit at the same time.....we agreed that i would be a stay home mom, but now that times are rough finacially, he's pushing me out the door to go to work. i would love to work. to get past my fears & be out of the house sometimes, making my own $...but there is no one to watch to my children.my youngest is 4.. no one that can care for them properly anyway..he wont pay for childcare, & he won't assist me in watching them himself. he says his mother will watch them. she's 70 yrs old & needs a babysitter herself! i dont want my children to turn into a burden for there grandmother..i want them to enjoy eachother, like it should be...i feel like im going crazy most of the time, because i have to hold everything in so the kids don't see me break. even though they have seen me at my worst,,& i vow to never let that happen Again..i try to get it all out at night, when they are asleep & he is gone..just cry & pray & rant & rave & feel sorry for myself & more so the children....i try to push my feelings of insignifigance away & reminde myself that i am playing a major part in my childrens lives & every move i make has an impact on them. its tough tho..because those feelings are so strong. when u dont feel good about urself those feelings so easily take over. but i do kno in my heart i am good person, a good women,,a good mother. no matter what any man says about me.my family knos the situation is abusive but i dont even talk to them about any of it anymore because its been overlooked so many times. his family is all in agreement that since i've done "nothing" all these years, i have no right to be on the house, afterall, its not mine, he paid for it. they say i've brought nothing to the table. mind u, my oldest son has been on the high honor roll for as long i can remember, he has recieved numerous awards for citzenship & his writing abilities. he is musically inclined, & has an A average! my little ones are the same way! i'm not just twiddling my thumbs over here! my house is clean, i cook everynight. i take the children to all of there activities. i Find activities for them to do...i mean really. my days are FILLED..form mornign until night..i am a stay at home mom for goodness sakes! on top of it i feel like ishhhhhhh most of the time while im doing it all...but i hide it. but ask his family & im "spoiled rotten ruined"wow.unfathomable. all while hes a strip joints.smoking & drinking,, spending money on women. its just not fair. my 6 yr old informed me the other night that she doesnt think sh'ed be able to live w/o me, because i am her first love..(wow),,& then went on to say but she thinks she could live w/o daddy, beacuse it's like she is already. that saddens me.
well, basically, i feel like i have been in treatment here at home, by myself. reading, praying, alot of self help techniques. jsut to make me feel like a worthy citizen, doing my part in life. it has gotten better. ive learned as long as i keep my mouth shut, there will be no confrontations. and as long as there are no confrontations, there is peace in my home. i just cant stand the thought of my children looking back thinking i was weak beacuse i kept my mouth shut when there father lashed out on me..but its either ignore it & it goes away, or confront it & its an ugly showdown...i pray they understand why i do the things i do & one day they can look back on it all & realize i am doing/did my best to get us out of a bad place.