I'm a guy my mid-30s, and think I have been depressed for most of my life.
I am normally a very reserved person, and I don't really make friends easily because I'm overly guarded. Some people have a filter in their heads that keeps them from saying tactless things- mine keeps me from saying much of anything. Last year, I became so frustrated with my last job due to boredom that, when one of my best friends asked me if I wanted to move, I jumped at the chance. So I moved to a suburb of NYC at the end of last year, and moved in with her and her long term boyfriend. Since the old place was too small, we moved into a larger place. I put down the deposit and first month's rent because I had the cash. But it pretty much cleaned me out, and the job I had lined up fell through due to the recession. I still haven't found anything.
Six weeks later, we had a discussion about
finances, during which the boyfriend threatens to a) kick me out if I can't pay the rent; and b) kick my ass because my friend is stressed out. It's not like I'm not actively looking for a job. I'm not even getting call-backs from grocery stores for part time jobs. Meanwhile, he has been on unemployment for months and has hardly looked for a job because he feels like he's better off on unemployment. He was annoyed by the fact that he would actually have to try to find a job soon. He says he wants to help me, but he has been unemployed for so long that I feel his help would be of limited value. And his doesn't make me trust his judgment either.
They also complained that I spend time alone in my room. Some days I get really down about
things, and really don't want to be around anyone. So I go online and fill out job applications, and do the things I think I should be doing to get a job. But I don't eat, I sleep a lot, and sometimes I just stare blankly at the ceiling and wonder why I feel so empty. Occasionally I have headaches and bouts of vomiting from the stress. This week I have been going to the park and watching the ducks swim around. It would be nice if it weren't so windy and cold.
Rent is due in 3 weeks, and I don't have it. I can sell my car, and will probably have to. If have thought that if I got enough money for it I could move again, maybe out of the country. I know someone in Nicaragua who could help me get started. I came up here to start a new life with friends, and now I feel more alone than ever. I'm also contemplating joining a Buddhist monastery.
I feel a little better just posting this. I'm so locked in my head that independent perspectives seem necessary. I don't know what I'm looking for as far as answers go. Validation? Compassion? Or maybe I just want to feel like I'm trying to fix myself.