I'm a guy my mid-30s, and think I have been depressed for most of my life.
I am normally a very reserved person, and I don't really make friends easily because I'm overly guarded. Some people have a filter in their heads that keeps them from saying tactless things- mine keeps me from saying much of anything. Last year, I became so frustrated with my last job due to boredom that, when one of my best friends asked me if I wanted to move, I jumped at the chance. So I moved to a suburb of NYC at the end of last year, and moved in with her and her long term boyfriend. Since the old place was too small, we moved into a larger place. I put down the deposit and first month's rent because I had the cash. But it pretty much cleaned me out, and the job I had lined up fell through due to the recession. I still haven't found anything.
Six weeks later, we had a discussion about
finances, during which the boyfriend threatens to a) kick me out if I can't pay the rent; and b) kick my ass because my friend is stressed out. It's not like I'm not actively looking for a job. I'm not even getting call-backs from grocery stores for part time jobs. Meanwhile, he has been on unemployment for months and has hardly looked for a job because he feels like he's better off on unemployment. He was annoyed by the fact that he would actually have to try to find a job soon. He says he wants to help me, but he has been unemployed for so long that I feel his help would be of limited value. And his doesn't make me trust his judgment either.
They also complained that I spend time alone in my room. Some days I get really down about
things, and really don't want to be around anyone. So I go online and fill out job applications, and do the things I think I should be doing to get a job. But I don't eat, I sleep a lot, and sometimes I just stare blankly at the ceiling and wonder why I feel so empty. Occasionally I have headaches and bouts of vomiting from the stress. This week I have been going to the park and watching the ducks swim around. It would be nice if it weren't so windy and cold.
Rent is due in 3 weeks, and I don't have it. I can sell my car, and will probably have to. If have thought that if I got enough money for it I could move again, maybe out of the country. I know someone in Nicaragua who could help me get started. I came up here to start a new life with friends, and now I feel more alone than ever. I'm also contemplating joining a Buddhist monastery.
I feel a little better just posting this. I'm so locked in my head that independent perspectives seem necessary. I don't know what I'm looking for as far as answers go. Validation? Compassion? Or maybe I just want to feel like I'm trying to fix myself.
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/25/2009 4:43:02 PM (GMT-7)