a depressive one at that , I can't seem to convince myself latelty to fight , I have bin spending a lot of time doing nothing, to solve my problems, except seeing doctors one after the other. I want to write this because it needs to get out of me, and this is the only place I feel comfortable sharing my troubles.
I'm getting nowhere, I'v looked hard at my situation and I can see I'm in a loop. I don't have a JOB and I need one, but I don't have the energy to work, my docotors all urge me to work so I can be a productive person instead of doing nothing, I left my last job last year because I just could not handle it, I ran away and I don't know why I did that, except I wanted to sleep. I sleep everyday waiting for my problem to be solved, running away to sleep seems the only enjoyable thing left to me , I feel empty inside waiting for that final sleep. I'm only 35 but I'm thinking this life of mine should end because I can't find pleasure in the things I used to enjoy.
I'm in trouble with money, I'v stached away my life savings in stocks which fell considrably durring this current econimic downfall, if I sold them durring last july I could have bought a house for me, but now they can barly buy me a new car. I don't have any cash I'm running out, without a job I'm uable to support myself, to eat and buy medicine.
Sorry for another rant, I had to write this somewhere, I'm still going nowhere and I feel I'm in nomad's land trapped in an island with no hope for the future.
Why o WHy can't I work? why do I run away from something that would save me and help me? I feel boared when I want to do anything, everything is so exausting mentally, like even driving the car around seems pointless to me, paying the bill seems pointless, eating seems boring all the food seems to taste the same. watching movies was so much exciting one day for me now it's just something to get my mind off my life..
And i met a great girl, I want to spend my future with her , she's so cool but I have nothing to offer her, I don't feel like I'm man enough to build a family, how can I take it to the next step if i don't have a job or money to aford building a life for me and her, so I'm stuck here don't know how to get to the next step of my life, still single at 35 and time is ticking, I'm afraid of time, Afraid of my next birthday in a few months because I'll be 36 and I'll have even less time left to build a family.
Why can't I enjoy the things I used to enjoy? I keep blaming it for my time I spent on online gaming addiction, that I have stopped but it still affects me now I think.