I'm having an up and down week... or month... i'm not sure. Last night I was so stressed I was crying and shaking all over. I HATE mondays... it means school. I have some seriously amazing friends, dont get me wrong, but my class is horrible. I have panic attacks and I'm rubbish at most subjects. I just sit and try and keep out of things. Today, some of the guys were saying horrible things about me and I couldn't handle it so I walked out of class. I was able to laugh about it with people later but I felt like I was faking it. It's how I always feel now a days... Like I'm lying all the time, does that make sense????
Things seemed to be getting better, but they keep going wrong...
People make jokes and poke fun at issues they should know they shouldn't... today in gym, my badminton partner saw all the scars and scratches on my arms and shoulders (curse tank tops, curse them i say) and started making jokes about how I should hurry up and kill myself! All his friends joined in and I felt horrible. Dont they get it, that suicide is actualy looming in front of me.
I cant talk to my mom, she complains about
everything I do, but recently I have no energy for anything. I have headaches all the time and feel sleepy, but when I go to bed to sleep, I cant. I lie awake for hours. It's doing my head in. I cant focus on anything, I really cant, and teachers and my mom keep yelling at me. I cant handle it any more, I really cant.
I tried talking to my friends, my boyfriend and a teacher, but all the advice is the same: forget the past, realize you're worth it.
But I cant find it that easy, I'm a wreck and suicide is more and more on my mind. When I talk about
it, I feel like I'm complaining. I'm not even sure if this makes sens but I'm so totaly stressed and I cant take anything any more. I'm on the edge of a breakdown and I'm really scared.
I sometimes really just want to give up.
Sorry if this is a stressed ramble, but I'm a 15 year old with nowhere to turn.... advice- PLEASE?????
Thanks for reading xxx