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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/2/2009 8:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I could really use some insight.
I dated this guy for three months.  I hadn't had a boyfriend in a very long time.  I thought there was some odd things.  I didn't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with and he said he couldn't bring me around his family.  Then he told me he has been on medications for many years for depression and anxiety.  He does not sleep well so sometimes he has to take sleeping pills.  He told me that he had to go to a special school when he was young but did not elaborate. He told me when he was in his twenties, at one period did not go out of the house for nine months.  He did go on to graduate college and he has had the same job for 21 years.  Then he told me he has never been with a woman (he is 52).  He also told me he can barely get an erection (probably from the medication).  We only hugged if I hugged him so I stopped doing it.  We barely kissed.  When he kissed me it was cold, hard and brief.  Then on New Years day he broke up with me and wouldn't talk to me anymore.
He started complaining about the money he was spending on dates so I started paying for some of the dates.  Then he started complaining about all of the time it took him to plan the dates so I stated doing that too.
Do you think there is something terribly wrong with a man who has never been with a women at age 52.  At any rate I feel very sad it didn't work out.  My behavior with him was very bad.  I got a little distrubed with all of the things he was telling me and didn't react well.  All he cared about was his issues and not with how all these things would affect me.  I found this to be really traumatizing and am having trouble moving on from it.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 3/2/2009 8:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Folkgirl,

Welcome to the depression forum. You will find here that everybody here is so kind and compassionate. They are very good at giving advice too.

Try not to feel too traumatized from this experience. Just think of it as another bump in the road of life. I think you are better off without this guy to be honest. It sounds like he was becomming selfish or kind of like a user. I don't understand what he wanted out of the relationship. I don't really want to say this, but it is a little strange that a man of 52 had never been with a woman. I feel really bad saying that, but that is how I feel. Maybe you will get some different insight from the men on the forum. Maybe there is something that I myself don't understand about that.

It sounds like he was stressed having a woman in his life. Like he was set in his ways and spending the money and arranging the dates were either too stressful or bothersome.

And honestly, I think you would be happier in a different relationship or without one. I don't think this relationship was really what you wanted or needed. So in my opinion, you are better off without him.

I hope that I didn't make you feel bad, you sound like a very nice person, but I don't think your relationship was doing you any good. It sounded too one sided to me. I think you deserve better.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2009
Total Posts : 376
   Posted 3/3/2009 12:33 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry things didn't work out and that you are disappointed. 
One of the problems with depression is we tend to interpret everything that happens as something that's negative about ourselves.  Please try to not take anything that happened  personally.  There are several reasons why you shouldn't.
You really didn't know him very well.  While he did tell you some of what he'd been through, he chose not to "let you in" and tell you everything.  He wouldn't really let you be on the team.
Just my opinion, but I think it's best to be non-judgemental on things like this.  And avoid the labeling that might be easy to do.  Which of us can ever know what's behind someone's relationship and intimacy issues?  Maybe some kind of strict religious background or a traumatic event.  Wonder if there was some history of abuse when he was a child?  I can see how a person could struggle with that for their whole life, want to be in a close relationship, but have so many issues that they just can't do it.  You don't really know.  So there's no reason to think something negative about yourself.
I think Karen is right - that this was an emotionally one-sided relationship.  Please don't let it get you down.  Stay positive and something positive will come back to you.
Lyme, anxitey, depression, chronic C. Pnuemoniae
"... expect the unexpected ..."  (O. Wilde)
"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." (Mark Twain)

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/3/2009 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   

Thanks for your insight Rich and Karen.  I agree with both of you.  Maybe there is someone more suited for me on the horizon or maybe there isn't and I will just have a peacful life without a lot of someone else's issue.



Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/3/2009 7:23 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi Folkgirl,

He is not the one for you !  :)  You need someone who is in a better place and able to be your equal in a relationship.

I am so sorry this man has what appears to be some serious depression issues and that his medications are a problem.  But complaining about the cost of dating you was so  inappropriate. I have had depression for 26 years so I do understand the disease well. 

There are many men with depression that would be absoulutely wonderful as a mate but this man, IMHO, is not ready for any committment.

Bless you and know we care.




Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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