Very uncomfortable problem

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Regular Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 25
   Posted 3/7/2009 1:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Good to come back to some good friends.  I have a very uncomfortable problem.  My soon to be ex-wife has displayed all the signs of low self esteem. She has been diagnosed with depression and says she no longer needs medication.   She refuses to seek help.  My focus of this post that I am following a right path to find her help, If she ever wants it.  I want to give you some of the behavior i and other have noticed over the past year.
I neither seek to absolved myself of problems i caused ( i have hypomania and depression) , nor pass judgement.  I am looking for a behavoir trait or traits that when and if she ask for help (she may never) I could give some kind of advice or help her seek treatment options.    Here is the background
My wife was ignored in early childhood by her never married father.  She also had an extremly rocky relationship with her mother whom she no longer talks too. She has since distanced many in her family ( in the seven years we have been together ). 
We dated in the early 90s and she left abrubtly in our relationship.  She married another guy and divorced him six years later and sought me out.  We dated, traveled extensively, married, built and house and had a baby.  She still talks about her ex-husband frenquently (and during the marriage), mostly bad.  She dispises (now the house).  Oddly she always wanted her own home.  I must admit that at the time the location wasnt the best, but it was the only answer for a starter home and sure beat i thought the trailer home on a leased lot. 
She displayed some post partum symptoms after the baby, but would never really talk about it.  She was at times very critical person but showed extreme affection. She went to school constantly and amassed three degrees but had no interest in seeking work with those degrees and sought more education.  She also had a great deal of disatisfaciton in her looks.  First breast reduction, then weight reduction surgury and i understand she wishes to do tuck proceedures. She has a beuatiful face and never seem dissatisified with her facial appeareance.   She is extremely personable in person and in public.
Our break-up was extremly sudden, one day she said it was over.  I had noticed for almost a month before (she seemed distant) i would ask her what was wrong and she would not talk about it.  Oddly she insisted (in that month) on a family photo, and greatly disired a bedroom set, and up until 2-3 weeks until the break-up another child.  She had control of the finances and about this same time had made poor financial choices, causing a recent bankruptcy.  The day she left things changed to a hypercritcal attitude toward me.  I could do nothing right.  This was noticed by many others. 
She would never say she was sorry for anything or say it to anyone. She has many times said she had never worked so much in her life, but she worked in my small company about three hours daily.  She constantly played (Pogo) computer games daily hours on end. 
Some odd traits she always would get mad about a glass of water.  I would ask for a drink and she would get upset and why didnt i get my own.  At one point I for almost a year would get her a glass of ice water when she asked, when i would ask for a drink she would get very upset.
One year to the day of our break-up she called wishing to reconcile.  I told her that we would need to both seek professional therapy.  She said we need to talk more, in the next 3 weeks i called twice to set-up a date to talk.  She said she was too busy.   In a email I told her of a therapy session I had arranged.  She emailed me back and said since i made no attempt to "talk" things should remain the same.  She also said that she would shut out my family like hers if we ever got back together.  She has in a very rare display of need said to me "the problem is not you, its me"  That is very telling
Here is my thoughts.  I am WAY past fixing things.  We do have a daughter and she even after all this is still a friend.  I have asked her if she "is happy" and she says NO!
I dont know if she will ever ask for help and this forum is informative but does not replace a professionals diagnoses.  I am looking for traits that follow a common pattern.  Not to "tell her whats wrong" but to find a direction that she should follow if she ever sought help.  If she ever does, it would be me she would ask for help first. 

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 3/7/2009 1:40 PM (GMT -6)   
I think that she has a lot of depression problems, I don't know if you should go back with her to be honest, not until she gets some help. The problem is, we can't fix others. They have to do it themselves. That is my honest opinion. You might be able to direct her, but it is up to her to get help. And it sounds like she is in denial.

I don't know what to think about her wreckless behavior with your finances. Where did the money go, or did she just not care?

I am glad that you remain friends and you will always be connected because of your child. But I don't know if I would go back with her at this time.

Make her seek some help first.

That is just my opinion, hopefully somebody else will come on with more advice for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 3/7/2009 3:30 PM (GMT -6)   

Hello Samoas:

I am so sorry to hear about everything both you and your soon to be ex-wife are going through.  I wish I had some great advice or answers to provide you with.  However, I do have one small recommendation.  In trying to help myself, I have done a lot of reading in some of the other forums here on Healing Well.  And when I read your description of your wife's behaviors it sounded extremely similar to those that I have read in the Bipolar forum.  Obviously, I am in no position to say that is what your wife could have.  But, many of the spouses of the bi-polars have written to each other in these forums about how to handle these behaviors.  I would really recommend copying your post into there as well.  Even if it is only "regular" depression that your wife has, I'm sure that the folks over there would really be able to relate and provide you with some good advice.


Post Edited (CassandraLee) : 3/7/2009 1:33:56 PM (GMT-7)

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