Hi everyone my name is Dan. I am a 22-year-old senior in college, I am about to graduate in May.
Let me first start off by saying, I have a great life. I have never been abused or had tragedy befall me. While my family does has dysfunction (lots of fighting) it has never been abusive. My parents truly love me and have given me all that I could as for, and are currently helping me pay for college. I have a wonderful girlfriend who really cares about me. However, all of my life I have gone through certain phases where I just feel like life is too difficult for me. Recently I have barely been able to get out of bed. I skip whatever I can (things that won't get me fired or mess with graduation) and I seem to be cutting corners everywhere. In my social life I have either been distant or harsh and plain mean. Everything feels worthless to me and I am easily irritated, I can't bring myself to do the things that I need to do and that makes my anxiety and sadness worse. I have made some very bad decision in my personal life in the past, things that have hurt a lot of people, most had to do with me not being able to control my sexual desires and resulting in cheating on past girlfriends or stealing friends girlfriends. It caused me to lose a lot of respect for myself and I still struggle with it. The other night I laid in bed and thought of everything in my life I had ever done that had embarrassed myself or had hurt others. I could barely move I was overcome with sadness and wanted to vomit. I've been seeking escape everywhere I can, reading and video games mostly, trying to just lose myself in other worlds. I seem to be waiting for something to appear over the horizon that will be better but I logically know it will not come. I fear graduating and have yet to be able to find a job. I just want to be able to see worth in everything. My cynicism and disgust for my life has become a real problem, but another part of myself breathes in the spring air and loves it all so much. I hate feeling like I am out of control of my own life, I am letting my life fall down around me and destroying it from within because I cannot control my emotions. Tonight I just felt so alone in these types of feelings I had to share it. I don't know if I want advice or just to feel close to you all, but that is my story.