I'm not doing so well, I think it's because my meds aren't working. I've been on the new dose (which was a increase after 4 weeks of starting them) for 5 weeks now. All together been taking my meds for 9 weeks. I've been noticing that the mania has come back over the last week and I still have depression on and off. The thing is I really don't know what I have. My first appt with the Dr she said bipolar but she can't give me a definate diagnosis until we see how the meds work. Well there are different forms of bipolar, she never elaborated about what form it could be. I feel a little lost and my mind is just making everything a mess. I'm not sure if it's mania, anxiety or even adahd. And I have depression on top of this. I've noticed that the depression has never really gone away, it's always on and off. I've never been on a even keel. I am going make a appt with the Dr and try to get in next week because I have so many unanswered questions. And I'm just thrown for a loop about what's going on with me.
Sometimes I feel that maybe the reason I'm not doing so well is because my situation hasn't changed. I just stay home and use the computer for a way out. I know that I have plans to go back to school but I'm not excited about it. I feel scared, unsure about whether or not I'll really be successful, will it be something that I'll just give up on like everything else? I'm even scared to go to the college, almost like going to a place that's unknown to me. Not sure what door to go through and who I need to speak to. I feel timid about it. Is it me? Because I'm not really doing anything to change my everyday life or the meds aren't working? I find that I honestly just don't know HOW to change. I don't know how to cope other then what my life has consisted of for the last 3yrs. And it's sad because I'm not happy with how I've been living the past 3yrs. I'm mentally exhausted being a mom, I'm tired of feeling guilty as a mother, the guilt alone just eats me alive. I'm tired of feeling sorry for him because I feel like I do anything just to escape the everyday reality of being here with him. I know that he goes to daycare twice a week but the past few weeks it has been inconsistant because the provider ended up not being reliable. So last week I found someone else and actually a better place for him. He starts this week. There is just nothing here for him not even his mom because she just can't get with it. I just feel like he's starving to learn, play with kids and do activities and I can't give him that. I love him so much and he's my world but I wish I could just go away for a week. Anyway, I wish that I could just get help and guidance to heal and to learn how to get better. I'm seeing my counselor this week so maybe I can ask her what I can do, I actually haven't seen her in a month because of complications with daycare among other things. I'm just feeling lost because I blame myself and this is all just so confusing to me! Thanks for letting me vent.
Sought help Jan 2009
Taking 100mg Lamictal and 25mg Strattera.