A few of you know how up an down I have been lately..but its really taking a toll on me pretty quick.
Im having problems at school, at home, with friends, with myself, my emotions, relationships, and my over-all feelings towards life.
School is just horrible. Im still doing okay, NO IDEA how, honestly. I am not motivated at all and "just dont care" (senior-itis I suppose) But, I really could care less, I have about 2 months left and high school will come to an end. I just cant wait. Teachers are putting added stress on us, not just me, as I have recently learned. (hope this doesnt cause this to become one of those "ah, its just a teen thing") Everyone else is just as sick of school as me, but they seem to deal/cope with it better than I do.
I think we all just want to roll up in a ball and cry... Home kind of stinks. My mom has really been on my case lately and doesnt seem to understand that I just want some ME time. I want to be alone. I want to be quiet and just think to myself....My friends are all over the place. Prom is this weekend so everyone is making plans and doing this or that, and I REALLY just want to sit back and say "forget it". I dont want to go, but have already paid and everything. Im really just watching everyone twist around there own stuff and my life is going nowhere.(seems to be)
My problems with myself are simply that I dont care much about myself anymore. I dont know why, I am just becoming so careless. Im sick of the road my life has been going down for so long and I hate that I always feel so alone. Or that no one understands me or that Im so much different than others. Or that I just hate the way things have gone for me. I guess I hate the cards I have been dealt. Emotionally I havent been great. Sometimes I feel content...but most of the time I feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, alone, silent, cold. Im really sensitive and emotional, these are things I hide very well. I bundle everything inside me and disregard it to the point I dont even know why I feel the way I do.
My relationships with people are weird. For me, its like my friends walk in and out of my life. (not really) But, to me it feels like they are only a part of my life if they are right here with me at the moment...But, if I am by myself they dont really exist. Woah, this sounds pretty stupid reading it back! lol But, Im just really disconnected from reality I think. I watch other people and how they react with friends or how couples are with each other and I feel like that whole part of me is missing. Im sort of talking to someone now, but cant help feeling paranoid about it. Like, if we dont speak for a whole day, I wonder whats wrong and stuff, but I try to remind myself that maybe they were busy or doing something... I also dwell on myself. I just dont think I would be very capable of being in a real relationship because I AM so silent and hidden. Ya know?
There is just SO much going on. All the time. I feel VERY overwhelmed. And I know I come here often, every other day its good then bad. Good then bad. Im sorry for that. Its just when Im at school and I cant talk to anyone else and I can come here, I vent. I just need to know that someone actually listens to what Im saying and I get that here more than anywhere else.
I also know that this sounds both like an abnormal depression thing, but partly a "teenage" thing. Which bothers me in some ways, but I am willing to accept and see that other people around me feel the same way about school, but that doesnt mean that they disregard their well-being because of that, like me. Maybe I just need a pep talk...or perhaps there is nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel any better. I dont really know. I just appreciate being able to come vent here. Thanks
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart
no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
"Im going to
smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."