As some of you I took some time off, partly because of work (well, mainly), but also because I wanted some time to get things strait. Well, a lot of things have been discovered since, but now I'm kinda stuck in a loop or so. See, my entire life I feel like I have been the one telling me that it is OK to screw up, to forgive what I've done wrong, etc. My mum and dad don't seem to understand that. Not that they are evil or so, but they are acting on what is socially acceptable or something. Like, when someone is screwing something up, it is actually OK to be mad, because they screw up right?
Well, the loop starts here, because the more I discover, the harder it is to convince myself it actually is OK. I have no more joy in things, can't see the real purpose of life, and I can't tell myself it is OK anymore. I just don't believe it. So that's one point on the loop, I need someone to tell me it is OK since I am not capable of it myself. Also, the person telling it has to mean it, well, I have to feel he / she means it. If I don't have the idea that person is telling the truth, for example by saying it is wrong to judge but an hour later that person is judging someone, it won't work. There are people that fit the bill though. But the problem is, right now, I have so much on my mind, and they simply won't invest so much time in me. I don't blame them though, it would take hours a day. But I would love to know someone who I can always call, who will put aside their work to help, and who would encourage me to do the right things. Once again, I know these people exist, because I can say I am one of them. That's another point, I would love to know that there actually is a person who I will make happy by calling. In other words, someone who loves me.
But I just can't seem to find them. And once I think I've found someone like that, I back down.. Well, this is going nowhere, so I try again, this time describing the situation. Right now, none of my friends can comfort me in the way like I feel I need. They are all very nice persons, and I am unmeasurable grateful to know them, but they aren't the type for that. There is, however, one person I know that thinks like me to some extend. But God (or whoever is in charge, if anyone) made that a women. Now, I don't have anything against women, but there is a catch to it. In my universe, when a women my age is nice to me, when I have the idea that she cares for me, I fall in love. Not a physical attraction kind of love, purely based on the aspect that there actually is someone out there who is happy to be around. But I do get that emotional feedback. Anyway, if I could choose, I would be with that person a lot more than now, because she makes me happy. But she doesn't love me, so there must be something wrong about me. At least, that is how it is in my head. It sounds so silly all this, but isn't love the feeling you get when someone makes you happy? Anyway, there is so much too it, but the problem is this: Right now, I am happy when we talk, chat, call, etc. She gives me the joy and happiness I just can't seem to find elsewhere. But this is all so egoistic. I love her for my own happiness, and not her happiness. And as long as I can't love someone for their happiness, it isn't real love. I do want the very best for them, but that would mean I would accept the fact that I am not the one to bring to most happiness. I just can't accept that without feeling I am lacking.
And there is the loop. Right now, I can't comfort myself any more, I need others for that. But you can't want me to be happy and hurt yourself with that, in a way that you aren't fully happy when doing it. Else it would be lying. I mean, if you truly want to help someone, helping would feel like the best thing you can do, and thus it won't lack. But unless I want the best for someone without wanting anything at all in return and accept the fact that there are others out there who bring more joy to that person, I don't want the best for them. And that hurts. And now there is no one to say it is OK. I think I can state most of you do care, but the catch is, you can't do anything more than type letters on a screen. All my thinking lead to the conclusion that love and care and compassion are the only things that bring genuine happiness, and I am not capable of fully loving someone without someone who has that same feeling for me. It could be man, woman, old, young, just someone who also thinks that happiness is more important than money, status, power, etc., and is willing to take time to comfort.
This week has been really though, I am physically sick because of my mental illness. I can't sleep, unless I cry myself to it, and in fact that is the only way to get all those thoughts out of my head. But you might understand that doesn't feel like the best option and one to use the rest of my life. Everytime I wake up, I immediately get these thoughts in my head and can't sleep anymore. There aren't much things left that give me joy, real joy. I can laugh over things, but that deep sensation of happiness has forsaken me, so it seems. I am sorry to waste your time if you have read this, since unless I can drastically change my thinking there simply isn't much you can do to help.
Please take care everyone,
Acceptance is the key
The World is but a reflection. Smile, and it will smile back.
Try to keep smiling! :)