I think I'm goin' crazy.

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 3/30/2009 8:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm new here and don't quite know how to start out. I'll just come right out and tell my tale. There's something wrong with me. I don't really have anyone to turn to. No one would understand. I returned from Iraq 6 months ago. I'm 22 and feel like my life is over. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to kill myself or anything like that. I just can't seem to move on with my life since Iraq. I spent 15 months in a rough part of Baghdad and experienced quite a bit of hardship while I was there. I'm shaking and my heart is pounding writing this now. I've never told anyone about my experiences there. I've seen so much death and horror over there and think about it all the time. I can't count the number of bodies I've seen. I just remember so many faces. When I encounter someone these days I tune them out and imagine how they would look dead. I was never like this before. I think I'm warped now and feel sad for having such a thought. I remember trying to treat a 4yr old boy who took shrapnel to his abdomen from an insurgent motar attack. I cant effectively explain how a person's eyes change as they reach the point of death. I remember that when the kid died I just calmly got up, walked over his body, grabbed an MRE, and ate it all while standing over and staring at his lifeless body. It hadnt bothered me at all what had just happened. I feel sorrow now for not having cared then. It bothers me now that I'm so numb. I've had some of my closest friends die over there. I often find myself feeling so much sorrow over the things that occurred over there. I just don't know when I will stop being sad. I dream about Iraq all the time. I decided to write this after my latest dream. I dreamt that I was standing in the open bs'ing with my buddies when we began to take incoming mortar fire. I hit the ground and began to dig my face into the dirt trying to get as low as possible. Then my buddy got blown apart, time slowed down, and I felt the shadow of the next mortar come over my body. It was coming for me and there was nothing I could do about it. I just could not sink into the dirt any lower. Sheer panic. I don't know what to do to get over this all? I can't bring up my problems to my superiors. Then everyone would think that I'm weak. I don't want to be labeled. I've tried to bring up my feelings to my wife but she can't understand or relate at all. In fact, she added to my sorrows while I was there. I found out that she had cheated on me while I was deployed. I came back home for a 2wk R&R after being gone for twelve months and had what I thought was a 2nd honeymoon with her. The day I returned to Iraq I found out that I had clamydia. I had to spend the next 3 months trying to find a reason to live. The love of my life had cheated on me with a perfect stranger while I was getting shot at and having my soul decay one day at a time. Her excuse was that she was "lonely" and that I "just wasn't there". Remembering these words brings me to tears. My wife was everything to me. I needed her so much and she stuck a knife in my heart. I have never really forgiven her for it so much as I've just stopped talking about it. I'M JUST SO SAD. I can't stop thinking about the past. It's just one horrible rerun in my head. I have so much anger for anyone who can't relate even though I know they are not to blame. I get angry when civilians come up and thank me for my service to the "country" and for "freedom". I get angry at my wife when she says I have an anger problem. She helped create the monster in me. I get angry when I see people smile. I'm writing this to relieve some stress. I'm a a loss and feel like my soul has flown the coop. I'm drained. Thanks for listening

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 3/30/2009 8:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there Numb,

I can't even imagine all that you went through over there (and what you had to deal with too). Hopefully just typing it out and sharing your story helped a bit.

Are there confidential hotlines for service personnel you could call (so superiors wouldn't be notified) and you could discuss your symptoms with someone? It sounds like many others are dealing with similar post-war experiences, and perhaps meeting others with similar issues would help you feel that you aren't alone in this.

Hang in there; I hope you can get some help and support and peace. Wishing you better days ahead...
Early 40s, ADD(no H), SAD/depression/anxiety (tired, little energy, difficulty focusing and starting/completing tasks)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 3/30/2009 10:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there and welcome to HealingWell.

I honestly think that you need some counseling. You have to get this out and deal with it in the proper way or it will drive you crazy. Both issues. I would talk to your doctor and see what they recommend. This is going to eat you alive if you don't. There is nothing weak about seaking help. Remember that.

And remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 3/30/2009 11:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Numb,

I'm so sorry for what you have been through, and I can only imagine how traumatized and devastated you must feel. Karen and ADD are right.....you really, really need to talk to someone about this.....someone who is well-trained to assist you in dealing with your pain. Please do heed their advice. You have been dealing with an enormous amount of stress, and you deserve to have a better life without the daily burden of anger, sadness and grief. We care about you and wish for your healing.
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