Hi guys, just thought I'd update you on what's happened since I last posted on here.
Thursday night was the real rock bottom point of what has been a very turbulent three and a half months in my life. I'd go as far as to say they have been the worst moments of my life so far.
I'm not going to go into too much detail as I don't want to be breaking site rules but I was literally at my lowest. At around 2am my girlfriend came on MSN and was being quite unreasonable. She'd said she wanted to remain friends with me and then decided to tell me what she really thought of me. In turn I told her what, in my angry and stressed mind, I thought of her - all completely untrue things. She turned round and said "you are scum". I can take being called that by people who do not know me but to come from someone who means so much to me it really hurt, not as much as the things I called her but it still hurt.
We argued for over three hours and I started to realise that she is the best thing to ever happen to me. She has stuck by me through all of this when any other girl would've walked straight away at the first sign of trouble. The fact that she did this from the other side of the world as she prepares to become a single mother is even more amazing. Despite everything I said she still stuck by me but said that she was never going to be disrespected like that again.
It was then that I decided to do something about
what was going on in my life. I researched all my symptoms and diagnosed myself with acute depression. Then I told my parents that I was suffering with it, all the horrible things my girlfriend had been putting up with from me for the past three and a half months and how I wanted to get better for her. It is for her and this baby that I decided to make that first step.
I spend eight hours in a hospital yesterday. That was seven hours waiting and an hour being assessed by doctors. They won't give an official diagnosis just yet because they don't know the extent of it but they think it is moderate so they are starting me on a tablet to combat the depression and the anxiety attacks I have. They said it takes three weeks from when you start taking them for it to take effect and the first few days after that it will leave me with stomach cramps and feeling really cranky but if it gets me out of the mindset I have been in since the end of January then it's a small price to pay.
Long term I will be seeing counsellors and anger management specialists to ensure that the times I have flown off the handle and upset people, especially this girl, will never happen again and even if they do I will be able to keep it under control.
The one thing occupying my mind is that this girl won't stick around long enough to see me return to my old self or even to give me a chance to prove to her I am the same guy she fell in love with last year. I'll deal with that bridge when I come to it but the uncertainty over it is giving me severe anxiety which leads me to shake and feel nervy. It's a long process and I'm hoping that by the time the baby is born in September that she will see the real me again and still want me to be a part of her future. I owe it to her and this child to get better so I can make them both happy.
Anyway guys that's where I am up to right now. I've got a home health team visiting tomorrow afternoon so that will be some progress and I will be prescribed the tablets on Monday morning. Already I'm feeling better about
myself for being able to take the initiative and want to change back to who I once was, if not better. The fight has been knocked out of me well and truly in these past few months but I am finding some strength to claw my way back and hopefully in January I will be telling you all about
how I made it back from the brink of depression to complete happiness and spent a perfect Christmas with this girl and a newborn baby.
I will keep you posted as time progresses and I will be here to give my support to any members who are where I was on Thursday night.
Thank you for everything you have done for me since I have been here. You have been so understanding and I am unbelievably grateful for the help you have given me through this difficult part of my life.
Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 4/7/2009 1:19:50 PM (GMT-6)