this may be long but i really could use some advice...
Hello, i guess i just dont feel comfortable talking to anyone i know about my depression. I am a 19 year old male and currently a freshman in a community college. Im just really confused about my life right now. I feel like im a normal kid in an extraordinary situation that im not strong enough to handle. In the last couple years my family has just completely imploded. I am the third child of four and live with my whole family. In the last two years a number of things have happened to me:
My dad became very sick with an autoimmune disease and is currently disabled, He currently sits around the house watching tv and movies all day without energy to do anything harder than changing a lightbulb. Its really hard to witness this because he has been the stronghold for the family my whole life. He is also diagnosed with being bipolar, and suffers a lot from the depression. My mom and dad hate eachother and i cant go a day without overhearing them argueing about something. One lives in the basement while the other lives upstairs. My mom is completely clueless about anything going on. She is very loving, but we just dont connect mostly because i can not stand being around her for too long because of her tendencies that i will not go into (nagging etc...).
My junior year in high school was horrible, I ending up quiting everything i loved like lacrosse. I started working every weekend and as a result didnt have a social life for a year.
I walked into his ( my brother) room one day so i called 911. He was put into a coma and finally came out of it days later. It was a shocking turning point for my family. He hasnt been the same since. He is very pestimistic and just a complete downer. My second oldest brother also attempted suicide later in the year. I also have a sister that is one grade below me. She is very depressed and turned to sex to feel accepted. I found out that she had been sleeping with a number of my lacrosse buddies and acquantences (sp?). She never hooked up with any of my best friends but it still really hurt. To top things off my dad came home one day while i was playing catch with my dog (really like my best friend). The dog ran to the car to welcome my dad home and my dad ending up running over it with the car. I was 10 feet away and couldnt look away as my dog layed in a pool of its own blood. It was at this point that i decided to go on anti-depressants. They worked reasonably well and my senior year was the best year of my life.
I soon went off my meds and joined the lacrosse team again. Life was amazing, my eyes were opened to a new lifestyle. I had a tight nite group of friends, we would just get messed up and have a great time. I went off to a State school and partied like a rockstar. At the end of my first semester i just felt burnt out. I had partyed 5 times a week, didnt make any true friends ... it was just getting old. I decided to live back at home and go to a community college ( this semester). My problems from junior year have all flooded back since im at home again. If anything they are worse. I have developed a lot of anxiety about life. I cant go a day without thinking about my future and its uncertainty. I am undeclared and have NO IDEA what i want to do as a profession. It seems like everyone has a major and a job they want to get once out of college. I dont feel like doing anything anymore. I cant even get a job (mostly dont have energy to find one) This makes me broke and unable to do anything like going out to see a movie.
I decided to go back on paxil two weeks ago. I learned that i really cant be on it now. This is really scary because of my family past. For this reason i have stopped taking my meds. Everyday i worry about where i will be in five years. I dont want to have a bad job and no friends. I am lonely and want to find a girlfriend, but i feel as though im too unstable and broke to have one. I have thought about being a state trooper possibly or going into the army but i've realized theres no way. My anxiety wouldnt let me do these professions. I have started to get panic attacks at the most random things. I was watching a movie the other day and almost fainted after seeing someone get killed. Ive never experienced this before. My friends were talking about how one of them cut their finger the other week and i almost fainted while driving thinking about it. As a summary i just feel lost, sad , depressed, have no energy, and no optimism for my future.
Has anyone been through something like this before? I dont know what to do i want to live a happy life, I feel like i have so much stress its just too overwelming. Oh and we are about to lose our house because my dads insurance for disability is about to run out. I cant sleep at night, i just start thinking about how i cant get a job now, and how i wont be able to get a job in the future.
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Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/5/2009 6:39:52 AM (GMT-6)