depressed in morocco

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/5/2009 2:04 PM (GMT -6)   
So, it never occured to me to try and reach out to others who might have an understanding of depression in order to help me make this decision.  I'm 20 years old and currently studying abroad in Morocco and facing depression and a lot of additional anxiety.  I always was a hypersensitive child - quick to get hurt, overanalytical, overly emotional, and very very attached to my parents.  But I've also never been the type to be content having a roadblock in my life.  The minute I identify a fear is usually the moment I start plannign to confront it.  That's why, when I turned 18 and graduated high school I begged my parents to let me go to school in a different state.  Reluctantly, they agreed.  And needless to say going to school far away from home has been emotionally draining and very rough at times- not much surprise there though.  It's been very rewarding as well though.  And it's been good because despite my emotional vulnerability, I've always had big dreams for myself.  So it's good to know that I have been able, up to now, to do the big things I imagined I'd be able to do.  Then, last semester I decided that the next big thing to do before I graduate would be to study abroad in Morocco.  My parents were firmly against it- stating my depression and anxiety and oversensitivity as reasons I shouldnt relocate to the other side of the world.  I begged for it.  And I got it.  And I've been here for 3 months and I have never been unhappier.  My depression used to never be such that I have had completely hopeless feelings - feelings that make me not want to exist.  I've frequently had bouts of this feeling since I got here.  When I opened up to the people on this program with me, I didn't get much understanding and empathy/sympathy.  Most of them are having a great time - with a few rough patches here and there.  They keep telling me that it's just a phase of homesickness and that happiness is a choice.  But if it really was a choice, I would choose to be happy.  And I've been trying to get out, meet people, etc etc but at the end of the day I really don't know how to deal with how I feel.  I don't even know this girl anymore.  Who is she?  I used to have a personality adn now all of my energy goes to just making it through.  My parents have told me I can come home whenever I want and they have been very supportive and I guess the only reason i havent packed up is because my accomplishments have always offset my personality.  Meaning: if I have nothing else, I have my grades and my good-name school and the things I have done and the big dreams I have chased after.  I think that's the only reason I can't let go.  But I had a panic attack last night and lay shaking and having a huge sense of foreboding that something really bad was going to happen to me.  And I'm starting to think I should go home.  But I thought I would see if anyone can give me advice on the matter.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/5/2009 2:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Asteraels,

First of all, welcome to the forum. You have joined a wonderful group of people. And I hope that we can give you some good advice.

I know that you don't want to give up. But if this is effecting your emotional wellbeing, you might want to go back home. You still have the experience behind you and have many good memories of Morroco. I just can't see putting yourself though anymore unhappiness. And it really isn't like giving up, it is more like experiencing another change. At least you will know if it was the situation causing your depression.

With that being said, I will end here. I hope that your day gets better and want you to know that I am so happy that you have decided to join us. The weekends are relatively slow, so expect more posts on this thread as the week goes on.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 4/6/2009 7:03 AM (GMT -6)   

hi asteraels,

follow your gut. if you have a supportive family, regardless of offsets i would be with a supportive family myself. i wish you well, sorry that you are depressed, keep posting, we care okay.

jamiee, 37, male, iddm, major depression, severe borderline personality disorder, hormone deficency, back & feet probs, plumbing issues.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/6/2009 8:31 AM (GMT -6)   

Hi Astaraels,

I'm glad you came here.  This is a great place to talk about things with others and get your feelings out.

It sounds to me like you are a woman who likes to set goals and go after them with all your might.  I think that's a wonderful quality.  That being said, I hope you can see that not every experience is right for everyone, and just because some of the others in your program are enjoying this experience in Morocco, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you if you don't.  Maybe you are more sensitive than some of these people with respect to the environmental and cultural differences, for example.  I spent some time in India when I was younger, and although I loved certain aspects of it, and loved the people I met, I found myself to be very emotional and fluctuating between anxiety and depression throughout my time there.  I attribute a lot of that to the stresses of being somewhere unfamiliar, without my usual sources of support (my friends back home, etc.), and dealing with the extreme poverty I witnessed....I think you know what I'm getting at here.  Perhaps your expectations and the reality of the situation are at different ends of the spectrum, and you are wondering if there is something wrong with you because they don't match.  I think you are being a little too hard on yourself, Astaraels, and I think you need to cut yourself some slack!  :-)

You said in your post: "if I have nothing else, I have my grades and my good-name school and the things I have done and the big dreams I have chased after."  Those are all wonderful things to have....I agree with you there.  However, I would hate to see you define yourself solely based on external things, like your 'good-name school' and your academic accomplishments.  You are obviously a thoughtful, sensitive person who values the richness of life and relationships, and I think you have a lot to offer no matter what your accomplishments are on paper.  I know it's tough, when you're used to 'going for it' and reaching the finish line, to accept that something you have tried might not be right for you, but I think it's also a sign of maturity and self-awareness.  We are all different people with different likes and dislikes, different abilities and strengths and weaknesses.  I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself for trying something so adventurous and challenging, especially at such a young age.  You should realize what you have accomplished just by reaching out for it and having the experience. 



New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/6/2009 12:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so much. It's so nice to not only get feedback from people, but to get real sympathy from people who seem to understand my situation. With people my age I hardly ever come across someone who understands how sensitivity, anxiety, and depression can take a situation from mildly hard to absolutely, impossibly overwhelming. I think I knew as I was writing my original post that I was going to have to go home, but it was nice to get an echo of that idea from you all. I skyped my parents last night and asked them to please bring me home. Funny enough, they have been pushing so hard this whole time because of the brave face I have been putting on - they knew that I am the type to come home and then torture myself for not having been strong enough to finish the program. So i guess they were waiting for the final decision to come from me. And I made it. And that's all it took for them to start looking into it. We are making a final push in the unlikely situation that my program will allow me to take my final exams early and therefore actually finish my semester - instead of withdrawing all of my classes. Although ,worst comes to worst, if I withdraw from my classes I can get my psychologist and psychiatrist to write official letters claiming it to be for medical reasons. And through it all, I'm trying to put aside the guilt and the labeling of this experience as "failure." You guys have helped in this so much more than you know and I thank you all sincerely, a million times over.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/6/2009 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Asteraels,
Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I am glad you found us.
It looks like you have met some of our wonderful members and you have received a warm welcome.
I have found much caring and support from all of these members and it has helped me so much.  I hope we can meet your needs too and I look forward to getting to know you better.
Again Welcome,



Kitt, Co-Moderator: Anxiety/Panic & Depression
&  Moderator GERD  Forums

*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

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