Posted 4/11/2009 12:14 AM (GMT -7)
hi everyone, im new to the forums. i don't know where to post this, but i hope someone will read what's on my mind :(
im 24/male and have had major depression for atlest 7 years (since I was 16). I've seen a councilor, but have undergone no treatment of any sort. The most i've done is try to undergo a different nutrition plan (ie. gabriel cousens, abram hoffer, etc..) but the results are not in yet.
i'll spare you guys my life story. I just wanted to layout my plan and get feedback. I keep thinking it's insane, that I just make up crazy solutions for myself that are built to fail secretly by my subconscious. Currently i live at home, i have no job, have no college degree, no girlfriend, and pretty much spend all my day concentrating on making a plan to get my life better. i try to make a plan that will get me a girlfriend, help me get my own place, finish school, and so on. the problem is i've been making this plan everyday for a couple of years now.....my main wish in life is to have a girlfriend. i've wished this since the 7th grade everyday.. at this point my entire hope for happiness or being normal revolves around the fact that I am single. my friends stopped calling me a long time ago, i am the guy who shows up without a girlfriend and is depressed and sad looking with low energy - i don't blame them. I just wish someone had the decency to tell me what the secret was. how did they all end up having a happy life and meeting multiple girlfriends throughout the years, while I just prayed to God and consistently got laughed at and blown off by every girl. I wonder what i've done that is so evil to deserve my worst fear - being all alone in bed every day, i can't even make a connection with women as human beings, i feel like a little kid when I talk to them - and i feel like they know it and laugh at me, then they go and date some guy with a chiseled jaw and a really cool personality I will never have.
after years of overanalyzing everything and crying myself to sleep every single day, i've come u with this template of what an acceptable life should look like for me (i just want to be normal and happy like all of these couples i see walking around going to the movies and so on, i never asked to be anything special, i seem to have failed at even the basic essentials for survival).
Currently I sit on my laptop all day looking at peoples myspace/facebook profiles and crying all day long trying to figure out why they all have girlfriends/boyfriends and are working on their masters degree and I've become a complete loser in life.......
plan to start incorporating the following elements:
1- go to school & pt-job (and work toward a degree in something, anything)
2- exercise (interchangeable list of activities: hiking, yoga, biking, etc.. pick & choose - do this atleast 3-4 days a week)
3-a life (this means: family time, reading, concerts, movies, meet friends, getting out there in the crowd at least, sit at a coffee shop)
4 - dating/girlfriend (in reality this is what I really want in the first place, It seems like a lot of people go to work or school (1), have a physical activity (2), a social life with friends and family or similar (3), and they also date girls or have a long term girlfriend (4)
.....I would mesh 3 & 4 together, but then it would seem like i have no life wouldn't it? I would just be some guy who goes to school and does pushups, other than that a complete loser...i don't know.. sometimes i see this whole big picture very clearly and other days i doubt the whole thing and see nothing but a black fog in my brain.
the reason being, I had friends who did not have any of the things on my list.. they didn't have a job or a car and didn't exercise. they just drank beer and played xbox and were living that life. They all have long term relationships with girls.
So then why should I get it together? Why should I do all of these things if they are not pre-requisites to getting a girlfriend? asking girls out doesn't work, because i guess Im missing what every other guy has, some secret mysterious thing they all have inside that i was born without. Everyone says I should get everything else in my life together and then a girl will come along, but that isn't true because i've seen too many cases personally that it wasn't true. Then others say stop looking and it will happen, that isn't true either - because i've tried that one too. I can't eat... I sleep less than 4 hours a night... if i go outside i notice couples laughing and kissing and i go home and cry.. i think about it all day.. i get no pleasure from life or anything at all anymore, it's not worth doing anything without someone you love by your side...
and to tell you guys the truth, i did have a job, a car, was in college full time, had friends to hang with... as im typing this I just realized it, i've made this plan before, and it's failed before.. but its the only plan I know, its what everyone else seems to be doing in life - except for them it works, they all have girlfriends.
what 24 year old girl wants to be with me? they've all had long term partners, lots of sexual experience, lived together and slept with guys hundreds of times... who the hell is going to want some guy who has wasted his teens, and his early 20's crying in his room? nobody...I can't imagine anything in life worse than being single, it's spring again and im still single.. i could go out and do something i like.. but thats what i did last year, and the year before, and the year before - all alone, by myself. I would love to hear a rational and logical argument as to why my mindset is all wrong, because nobody seems to have one. How is depression caused my loneliness cured? what is the condition called where you would rather die than be the only single person you know in real life? because that's what I've had for most of my life.