Posted 4/11/2009 3:29 PM (GMT -7)
Hi, I've been looking through HW for the last week or so, and reflecting on my failed relationship. I'm 24 years old. I haven't faced a lot of stress in my life. My parents love me, perhaps too much. They've supported my decisions and have supported me through school no matter what.
My ex and I met online, and dated for nearly 3 years. When we were getting to know each other, we would stay up all night talking and getting to know each other. I forget what we would even talk about, but I recall nights where we would literally fall asleep talking to each other (only knowing the other had fallen asleep because their eyes had closed). She'd met a guy online before, but I had never met a girl. I thought this whole thing was a little weird; having feelings for someone I never REALLY met. She was just so cool though and different from other girls. I asked if she wanted to meet when the schoolyear was done, and she eagerly said yes.
We fell for each other pretty hard from the time we met. Looking back on the relationship, I was lazy as hell. This girl busted her ass to be with me: she went to school, lived on her own, worked and most of her money went toward visiting me. I'd usually offer to pay her gas when she visited me and she'd just say "that's not fair to you though". I told her I didn't mind since I'm the one still living at home, and I have the money to spare. She'd only ever take it if she absolutely needed it though.
I don't know where I want to go with this post, so I'll just rhyme off a couple of random things that bother me now. She wanted me to quit smoking. I told her I would do it for her, she wanted me to do it for myself she said; so I said I'm not sure if I'm ready to quit, and continued. I couldn't bring myself to smoke around her though. Even when she visited, or I visited her, I wouldn't light up during the entire stay. I was very complacent about the whole relationship. Our conversations became less and less deep, and she'd share her problems and I'd usually just kinda write them off. I was just very selfish about a lot of things. I can remember one time, she was supposed to visit and I got mad that she didn't because of the weather. Even the slightest thing would bother me. I'd say things that I look back on, and realize that I didn't mean or that I should've worded differently. It's as if a sick part of me enjoyed making her upset once I became upset. I've been reading a bit of the Bipolar forums, and I feel what I've read there describes what was happening. Especially since I'd usually get like this during times of stress (ie. exams and such).
I just honestly hate myself right now. She was my first girlfriend and I always thought that I would make a good boyfriend. However, my lack of effort to make things work by visiting more often, just listening (I eventually stopped. it was starting to feel that i couldn't do anything right by her), and actually realizing how miserable I/this relationship was making her.
She always said she didn't have a lot of friends and eventually went to counselling (she'd gone through highschool as well). She lost a group of her friends shortly after we started dating. Other friends were too busy with their own lives. I was really the only person she had to talk to other than family, and I wouldn't bring myself to listen. She even told me that there were things that she wished she could talk to me about, and she tries to be strong, but she just felt that whenever she came to me about them she just felt like an annoyance. I honestly didn't even remember this back and forth until I read an old email the other day :(.
I was controlling in a lot of ways without even realizing it. I asked in the beginning of the relationship what she thought about growing her hair long because I'd always liked long hair, and that I thought her old natural brown looked best on her. When she'd talk about just trimming her hair, I wouldn't get mad, but I'd do a little "whimper" cuz I thought she looked great the way she was. I'd always ask her opinion on how things were with me. "Do you like me a little scruffy?" for example. She talked about dyeing her hair. I asked why she'd do something like that because she looked just great the way she was. She said she needed a change, and I dunno. i guess i just didn't understand it. I dunno, I thought she looked beautiful the way she was. I realize now that she likely only felt beautiful to me and not to herself when she wanted to make these changes.
Another big problem was money. I never understood her money situation: mind you, she never really told me. She pretty much did just support herself though, other than with tuition. She still managed to do well in school though. Meanwhile, I just pay my living expenses and have struggled in a difficult program this year. She always said the only reason she lived away from home was because there's not enough work near her home. Meanwhile, I work a job with good pay out of home in the summer.
There's other things in the relationship that I can look back on and realize how stupid and selfish I was being. I can cite a number of examples of me doing/saying something selfish, and the list is just far too long. It's as if I'm still a little kid that just wants what he wants, even if it's from someone else. I don't know what. Now, my relationship is over and I'm struggling even more in school because I'm thinking of a relationship that doesn't exist any more, how i acted throughout the relationship and in the end, and what a miserable person I became and am now.
I feel like I got nothing out of this relationship other than realizing that I need help (I've gotten some of it through counselling, but things feel deeper than what I discuss with her). Why WOULD I get something out of it though, when I didn't give nearly as much as her. She 's such a passionate person, and I envy that. I just can't bring myself to love things for some reason. I loved her, I just didn't know how to express it other than physically. I feel cold and detached from what few people I have around me. I don't know when this happened, but I want it to stop. I feel confused about who I am, what I've become, what I want to be. I'm scared of what I want to be, but scared to continue feeling like this.
The other day, I called and talked to her for the first time in a little over a month. We talked for about 3 hrs about our plans in life from here on. I actually asked questions and showed interest, rather than just expecting her to tell me stuff like I would toward her. This made me feel horrible as I realized that that's all it would've taken to actually be able to carry on a conversation when we were together. I dunno, I guess I just thought you shared information when you were in a relationship and didn't have to ask about things. /sigh/. She's got some big plans that involve some international travel. My big plan: finally moving out of home. I feel I can only do this if I survive this semester though (I'm on a thread right now in most my courses, and need to pull myself out of the dirt in one other). I have trouble in school since I can't seem to focus. I was always a pretty smart kid, but as I've grown up, I just haven't been able to get myself into school. That changed when I met her though. I started doing really well in school again, and was going to the local community college again. Even the practical side of my schooling have faltered as I've gone to top 10 on exams, to just barely passing. For the first month, I stayed in my room most days, just crying and wondering what she was doing. Blaming myself for everything going wrong, and everything ending over 1 stupid decision I made out of my own insecurity. I've gotten better. Not because I'm over it, but just because the feeling of this breakup isn't a "new" emotion any more. I'm going to classes again, I'm a bit more engaged now than I was. Still not "me" though, I think because I don't know, and never HAVE known who "me" is.
I just feel really trapped, and I seriously still want this girl back so bad, even though I know she barely has the time or will to talk to me. I just I dunno.... I see where I've gone wrong, and I feel like I can't do any better than her. Why I couldn't see how amazing she was when we were together is beyond me.
I've lost a lot of friends due to them moving, and have always had trouble making new ones on my own. I just feel socially awkward, and as if I've never found the right group of friends for me. My parents are visiting for Easter, and I finally got up the nerve to tell my mother to stop helping me. I told her that I know dad won't have any problem with it, but that she won't let him. She went to hug me, and I said "NO! Just listen! You've helped me for too long! You're just gonna keep helping me, and I'll probably just let you. So I'm saying now to just STOP! I can't handle stress in my life because I've never had any. There's people out there, including *my ex* who can handle school, a job and a relationship while living on their own; and I can't even handle school and a relationship! I don't know the value of hard work because I've never had to work hard at anything. I've always just had things given to me, or was good at things naturally without needing to work at them. So please, just stop. I know you love me, but you're hurting me in the long run"
My plan is pending how this semester finishes. If I make it, I want to live in the same city as my school for the summer. I'm going to work at least 1 job and try to be more active. I'm going to pay my own gas, car insurance, bills and food. Parents will be my last resort, not my source. I want to face stress head on rather than running from it. I'm scared I'll break down though :(. I have to try though.
/sigh/ I still want her back though.... :(
Help. Plz. Input, anything. I'm Peter Pan right now, and I continue to dwell on insecurities long from the past. I just want to be happy with myself, and be someone that people can count on. I wanna feel smart again, and I want to be able to actually be passionate about things and care about things outside myself.