newbie! Partner with depression- what to do?

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/12/2009 4:26 PM (GMT -6)   
hi i am new to this site but am so relieved to find somewhere that i can talk about everything. I feel i should not talk to my friends or family because it would be betraying my boyfriend.
my boyfriend of 4 years, who i love with all of my heart and soul, has depression and has done ever since i've known him, it ranges from him feeling low to feeling suicidal. Some days he appears to be coping, others he talks of ending it all and gets very angry and distressed. It breaks my heart to think of him leaving me like this. But i try to stay strong for him and will always be there for him, even though he sometimes tries to shut me out.
He is going through a particularly low time at the moment but is refusing any treatment. Believe me, i have tried on many occasions to try and get him to see someone/try antidepressants but he totally refuses. So we just manage, me and him. When we are not together (we don't live together) we are always texting each other. Which worries me because i have to go back to work in a new environment soon and it is a place where i cannot have my phone on me, for long periods at a time. What if he needs me? What if i'm not there for him and something happens? I don't think i can explain it to my employer. I cannot tell my boyfriend my concerns though because he will tell me i am silly for worrying and he will feel guilty, like he is "holding me back."
Anyway, i don't really know what i am asking for in this post, i think i just need somewhere to vent. And if anyone has any advice as to how i can help him through all of this then it would be much appreciated. I have a certain degree of understanding of depression, partly from my job and partly because i suffered from it (but this was much milder and many years ago so it's hard to remember what it feels like). However, i have descovered that it is all so different when it happens to someone you love! It is so hard to know how to deal with certain situations. For example when he talks of killing himself i tend to panic and freak out, which i'm sure you can understand why, but it is not very helpful! And i never know if he means that he is really planning to right away, or that he is thinking of it or wants to but perhaps wont go through with it.
It is all so confusing! I am sorry for such a long post.

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/12/2009 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   

Hello MissYellow,

Welcome to HealingWell.  I am sorry your b/f is having problems with depression.  I would really like you to keep trying to get him to see a pysician/therapist. Here are a few ideas for you. :-)

Let your b/f know that you care and just want to make sure that they he is okay. Sometimes if the person won’t take the initiative, you may have to make the physician's appointment for them and make sure they get there. Be kind but at the same time, be firm. Helping someone who suffers from depression is no easy task, but it can be lifesaving. At times, just knowing you care makes all the difference in the world.

Other ways to help a depressed person may be to encourage them to talk. You never want them to keep everything bottled up inside them. Avoid judgemental and critical critical comments. Remember, most depression sufferers have very low self-esteem, so try to restore it by reasoning with them. Ask them why they feel the way they do and really LISTEN when they talk. By showing them this attention you are showing them that you have a genuine interest in wanting to help.

Don’t expect someone with depression to get well overnight. It can be a slow process at times.

With your love and support hopefully your b/f will get the help he needs.  You obviously care deeply for him and want to help.  Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Again a warm welcome to HealingWell.




Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Co-Moderator Depression

*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/12/2009 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
You have to remember that there are things that are out of your control and you should try not to worry. Being that you can't have your cell phone at work, that is out of your control. So there is going to be a time where you have no option but to just have faith that everything is going to be okay. And if something happens, that is out of your hands. You will deal with it when you can. These are hard times, and some of us do have to work, you want to keep your full attention on your job. In a way it is a stress reliever, because as I mentioned, there are just some things out of our control and worrying about it just depletes our energy and we are no good to anybody then. So go to work, do your job and be there for your SO when you can.

Are you going to any counseling? I think that you could use the support with what you are dealing with now. It is hard to live with or have a relationship with a depressed person. I have been there, you end up worrying about them all of the time, and that doesn't help anything. So I think talking to a counselor would help you, and posting here, sometimes it helps just to write things down. It helps you sort things out. Actually posting to you, just helped me. Because I have been worrying myself and I think I am actually going to take my own advice.

Keep posting, have a good day

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 4/14/2009 4:43 AM (GMT -6)   
thanx kitt and karen for the optimum of advice given to miss yellow, hope all goes well miss yellow, sending healings, jamie. and to karen, hugs 2 u , i hope your okay. healings to you also, jamie.

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 4/14/2009 8:46 AM (GMT -6)   
that is some very good advice that kitt and karen have given you. just let your bf know that you'll always be there, and talk to someone for yourself. you are the constant in his life and need to be strong, so take care of yourself too. I hope for the best for you guys.
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