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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/19/2009 12:25 AM (GMT -6)   

Lately, well actually I’ve been like this for a while, unable to describe my mood/emotions. I’m at college right now and I know its supposed to be the greatest time of my life and although its ok, I feel like it should better. I'm having fun some of the time but its not exactly the best time of my life, but there is no way I’m depressed. I find myself no longer caring if I meet new people let alone hang out with my new friends unlike my first semester where we would hang out in the hallway til 2am (I don’t know what happened this semester). I hardly leave my room except for practice, food and class and I almost never leave to see a friend down the hallway.  I don’t care about anything and I don’t take anything seriously but I like to pull pranks and joke around with people. I feel the need to get good grades but it seems like no matter how much studying I do I can never get an A let alone barely pull off a B while the majority of my grades are C’s. I don’t care about relationships with girls although it would probably be nice to have one but I don’t feel obligated to myself to go out and get a girlfriend. In 5th grade some people found out the girl I liked. They told me they were going to tell her the next day and I didn’t want them to tell. I didn’t go to school the next day and still don’t know if they did or didn’t tell. The feeling I had of the girl finding out was just…. I don’t know, I just hate putting myself in that position, vulnerable I guess is the feeling, and I’ve never really allowed it to happen to this day, I know its strange and that I should really open up but that’s just me, maybe I’m insecure.

I am a selfish person but I know it and don’t show it. When people ask for something of mine I usually let them use it b/c I don’t want to give off the appearance of being selfish. I’m used to this since I had a brother and have always had to share. Well, I guess I’m not really selfish, I just feel wronged when people are selfish to me if I ask for something and they are an ****** about it. I really over think things and I know that I’m doing it but can’t help it. I over think every situation and what I should or shouldn’t do and I know that I should really not worry about it. I’m very relaxed and laid back most of the time and don’t really go out much but I would if invited. I never actually want to drink but if my friends are doing it I’ll join in b/c I have nothing better to do. I’m really self conscious and find myself thinking about my future quite often. If people call me a name, even if they’re joking, I’m offended but realized I shouldn’t be. I don’t show it and get over it. I find myself around people and friends at college who I have basically absolutely nothing in common with. I feel separated but at the same time i dont. It’s extremely disorientating.

I feel that I have a large variety of interests. I am completely obsessed with dirt bikes and everything to do with them. I could talk for weeks nonstop about the different brands, stories, races; basically anything and everything. I played soccer for the greater part of my life and thought that I was pretty good. In my younger days I was filled with confidence and would take on any defender but lost all of this as soon as I started playing high school soccer where I was no longer the star and was always afraid of making mistakes. I was still a decent player and made the all star team but with little confidence in the great player that I was. I also went to an elite soccer camp the summer before my senior year. I had enough skills to be there and play but was at the average to low end of the players at the camp. I don’t know what happened to me in high school and why I didn’t retain my confidence. This applies to my confidence in life to, it’s strange. Its not that I dont have any its just.... I guess I doubt myself. But, I’ve realized that I am extremely confident while riding dirt bikes. I spend all of my free time when I’m at home riding, racing friends and working on my bike. Every time I think about it, I smile and I think about it multiple times each and every day. My life revolves around dirt bikes and motocross but I haven’t met anyone at college who is obsessed about it as I am and my friends now don’t understand the feelings and experiences I have had on my bike. Besides motocross, I’ve notice that I like animals. I’ve been in 4-h for the last 9 years or so and this is my last year. Only now that im away at college do I realize how much im going to miss raising animals and competing in shows. I really enjoy being out in the country but my college is in a suburb of Philly. I feel like over the last year, everything I’ve ever done is leaving my life and is going to be gone for a long time.

Why am I having such random thoughts and feelings?

Sorry its so long and random, just the way i was feeling/thinking when i wrote it.


Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 4/19/2009 4:15 AM (GMT -6)   

hi crfhonda250r.

sorry if i get confused, i get this on long info. from your post you have expressed things you enjoy and things that you use to. may i ask your age?  obviously college has it's drawbacks, esp when u are missing cutting it up in the bush! sounds like things are changing and evolving for you, life is about change. in terms of depression i am worried about you isolating yourself, and when people otherwise lose interest in things they usually enjoy, or do not care enough about, ie your grades, from me to you i would suggest having a chat to the college counsellor or family doctor. if this is the eary symptomology of depression, then this would be the time to nip it in the bud.

do not forget that depression is a medical condition. it can strike slowly, and tends to manifest for some via the situation you are presenting. not a doc, but know about depression. stay safe, keep posting. jamie, 37, male

iddm, major depression, severe borderline personality disorder, hormone deficency, diabetic nuropathy, back, water issues, etc, etc!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/19/2009 7:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Honda,

Welcome to our group. :-)

After reading through your post, I'm going to guess that this is your first year of college, second semester (is that the case?). I remember that time of life, and there's a lot to get used to all at one time. It's a tough adjustment when it all sinks in, and sometimes it takes a while after the initial excitement and 'newness' of it all. Maybe that's why you feel like being alone more now than you did in the first semester.....the pendulum is swinging a bit the other way. It also sounds like it's taking a while to find people who have similar interests, and that can be frustrating, too. All of this takes time, and it does get lonely when you feel like you're spending time with others 'just because', and doing things you wouldn't normally want to do just because you were invited.

Have you looked into any groups on your campus, or even in the vicinity of your college and suburb, to see if there are things going on that you would enjoy? I realize it's late in the semester now, but maybe there's something there for you that you could do in the fall when school starts up again.

It sounds like your interest in dirt bikes and motocross is still strong, and that's a good thing. Even when interest is waning in other areas, if you have a pet project or activity that holds your focus, you can still get some enjoyment out of life and feel motivated about something. I'm also glad to see that you're into 4-H. That's such a great thing! Will you be active in that this summer?

Please don't give up hope on keeping some of the activities you love. Perhaps you'll have an opportunity to work somewhere that has access to the countryside, where you can spend time in nature and around animals, and ride your dirt bike.

Also, try not to worry too much about what other people think, and whether or not you're fitting in according to their standards......we're all unique individuals, and have our own strengths and talents. I don't really think you've lost all your confidence, especially since you still feel confident when you're riding. I suspect that being in a new environment with people who have different interests is bringing you down, and that's to be expected for a while, until you find your own niche.

If you're still feeling concerned, and find that this dissatisfaction with life continues to affect your studies, then maybe you should talk to a counselor at school or your family doc, as Jamie has suggested. It can't hurt, and it might help you to move forward with things more easily and feel a bit more optimistic about your future options.

Let us know what you decide, and know that we're here for you. I wish you the very best, Honda, and I hope you'll come back and post again.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/19/2009 10:31 AM (GMT -6)   
One thing in life that never changes, is that there will always be change. I think that Jamie kind of hit the nail on the head. You are going through some changes right now. Just go with the flow of things, let it happen. Still hang on to the things you love, your passions, but maybe you will do them a little less and that is okay. Keep an open mind, try new things, it will all fall into place for you.

Keep us posted,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/19/2009 11:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello and Welcome to HealingWell.  I guess I know what your ride is smilewinkgrin .  My oldest son raced motocross with a team in Oregon and they took 3rd place champions one year so I know motorcycles.  Glad you have a sport you enjoy. He rode a Ducati. His Momma ( me) rides a Harley  scool
Well now that we have met, I just want to say you have received some sound advice..........the first year of college can be a rough one and you will blend in and make a place for yourself. 
College life can be a very stressful and intense experience, but being a freshman in school adds more anxiety. Since stress is inevitable, the only thing you can do is learn to cope with the pressure and master it.
Sometimes it helps to talk to someone. A counselor is available at most learning institutions to help freshman's make the transition from child to adult. Talk to someone you trust. Sometimes it is best to leave family out of it because they know you too well. Speaking with someone who has no biological connection may yield better results.

Seek group support. Seek other freshman's advice. It helps to know there is someone else like yourself dealing with the same thing. You may find comfort and support as well. Get to know students in your class. Talk to the one's you feel closest to. If you feel you can trust them, let them know how anxious you feel. By letting some of your peers in, this will create a lasting bond you can treasure for a lifetime.

Just be you and don't let the peer pressure overwhelm you. Use your best judgement and remember that change is always difficult.  Just when you get used to college and realize you love it, you will graduate and then it is change all over again.
Keep talking to us and know that we care.
I look forward to getting to know you better.

Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Co-Moderator Depression
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 4/19/2009 4:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Yo, I have to state this first above anything else... I UNDERSTAND YOUR LOVE FOR RIDING! Its my most favorite thing on Earth! (and Im a girl so.. lol) I absolutely love to ride, and I would love even more to race. Unfortunately, I dont have a bike right now, but Im planning on getting myself a Honda CRF150F (or perhaps the next step up..depending on money) with my graduation money. Im a Senior in high school, 6 weeks left so... I want to use that money for a down payment on a bike..and then work all summer for extra money to buy me some new gear and stuff...Im SO excited, I can NOT wait! Best summer EVER if I get a bike! Ahhh!!

Okay, okay, sorry! lol I understand ya though. Dirtbikes and motocross is about the only thing that makes me happy and can make me smile anytime.... I love watching races, wish I could go to more of the big races with all the famous riders! I live in AL though and so it would require traveling, dont have the money. But, I wish I could race, more than anything. That would make me very happy! So, I get it..

I will be going off to college soon myself. But, I've actually had depression for a while. And I experience the feelings that you do. about not wanting/caring about seeing people or whatever. Even friends that you love....its just like it doesnt matter. But on the inside, I want it to matter. I want to do good in school also, but alot of the time, I cant even care....

I think I understand alot of what you are going through... And I'll talk anytime... I dont care...I'll talk or listen if you wanna let out some feelings or thoughts...or if you want to just talk about bikes! Im cool with that as well! My email is on my profile if you wish to talk that way also...

I hope being here helps you...I been on this site for nearly 2 years...I been up and down and all around..and everyone here has always stuck by me. So... welcome to anytime, anything, we are here! Take Care, ride hard! ;)
Lyrica(15 months on, but now officially off of it!) and Paxil(about 6+- months)
Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks-currently in therapy
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
    "Im going to smile like nothing is wrong, talk like everything is perfect, act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me."

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