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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/20/2009 11:29 PM (GMT -6)   
I really don't know where else this would fit.

I have panic attacks, anxiety, severe depression, and uncontrollable anger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I am unemployed, so I can't afford any counseling.

But, I suppose I'll explain what's been going on.
I am a 20 year old male, and engaged to the girl of my dreams. We plan to get married August 8th of this year.

I can't trust her.
I have no reason not to trust her. I know for a fact, she has not lied to me once. She takes care of me, supports me, and just has been there through everything. But, I treat her horribly.

Once I lose my temper and my anger kicks in, I literally cannot do anything about it. I start to hurt myself and she tries to stop me, but then in turn I get violent towards her. She is just trying to protect me from myself, but I use force to get her off of me. I never hit her or anything, but I have hurt her by trying to get her off of me. She doesn't understand that I can't control myself. So this is really taking a toll on us.

Also, whenever we get into arguments, if she mentions something personal about me that doesn't seem like a positive thing in my eyes, I get very defensive. I feel like she is attacking me. She swears she would never attack me personally, but I just can't seem to lower my defenses for her.

As I stated before, I have a huge trust problem. I can't even trust myself. I accuse her of things and I assume random things.

I completely hate myself for everything. I want to treat her better. She deserves better.

I keep telling her this, and I have tried leaving her because I want her to be treated better elsewhere. She continues to stay and says I am the only one for her and I complete her, and that she will be with me forever.

But, every time that I hurt her, physically on accident, or emotionally, I feel the need to punish myself physically. It's gotten down to the point where I think suicide is the only option to make her happy. I want things to change, she says I'm in control and I can change at anytime. I'm really not... it doesn't feel like that at all. I don't know what to do, and neither does she.

I'm starting not to care about anything again.
And I'm close to the edge once more.
I need help, and I'm desperate.

PS: I typed this up fast, I've been really anxious. Sorry for any errors or out of order context. Ask questions if you need clarifying.
Edit: I am sorry but due to your content I had to remove a paragraph.  Please review rules. Thank you.
Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/21/2009 8:04:01 AM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2008
Total Posts : 489
   Posted 4/21/2009 3:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Jake I do not want to be mean but to say that you can not help yourself from acting out is wrong.The only one that can control you is you.Get the help that you need.If you will not or can not change then you need to leave this woman alone.For her safety.It`s very important to get the help to become a better person and to deal with your depression.If you really love this woman take care of your problems and do not make them hers.I am sorry that this sounds so negative but you sound just like my son.He has really hurt a lot of the people that he claims to love.I feel that if you love someone then you owe it to them to get better before you go further with a life together.
Lost half of my small intestineJan.2008.Ilieostomy for 5 months then reverst in June 2008,Nerve damage to right leg,part of my right hip bone removed Jan. 2008,Cronic pain,hernia,infection in my back called discites,and depression.Gallbladder removed Nov,2008.Surgery to fuse L3 and L4 vertabra Dec. 31,2008.Mother to 9 kids 7 boys 2 girls and 1 stepson.4 grandsons,9 grandaughters.4 of my grandkids I inherited from my twin sister who passed away 6 1/2 years ago from a blood clot after surgery.God has given me my life back after I almost lost it.Even though its a painful and sometimes hard road to walk I take it one step at a time and give thanks to god for every step I take.

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/21/2009 3:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jake, i kind of have some issues similar to yours, regarding your girl friend after her saying your the only one for her etc, you need to take that as a positive, because you have someone there that loves and cares for you, with help you can get better and have a better life, and by the sounds of it your girl friend would be so supportive of you, take care

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/21/2009 9:16 AM (GMT -6)   

Good Morning, this is Kitt,

aerodrone, welcome to our forums but I think you have some issues that need professional help and we are a peer support group.  Abuse is never right and it feels to me like you have quite a large anger management problem.  We are a depression forum and we are here to listen and to support others dealing with depression. 

Support groups are a place for people to give and receive both emotional and practical support as well as to exchange information. People with health conditions, as well as their friends and families find support groups to be a valuable resource and get confirmation that their feelings are "normal", educate others, or just let off steam. IMHO joining a support group is joining a family.

IMHO you cannot continue in a relationship until you deal with your problems as you are putting this young woman in harms way.

Please know when this anger is not controlled  we get into trouble so  don’t let your anger consume you. Seek help.  I hope that you are able to find the help you need.

I am going to post a couple of telephone numbers for you.

The US Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433

NDMDA Depression Hotline | Support Group. 800-826-3632

National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE




Kitt, Co-Moderator:
Co-Moderator Depression
Moderator: GERD/Heartburn
*~* *~*
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 1190
   Posted 4/21/2009 5:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Aerodrone,

Although I certainly feel great compassion for you in your suffering, I have to say that I agree with Mom9mom when she said you either need to change or leave this woman alone, for her safety. I was married to someone who had a serious anger problem, and the physical and emotional abuse I endured caused me a great deal of pain and suffering. I'm not overstating it when I say that it crippled me, on the inside and the outside, and it almost finished me off completely. I eventually gained the strength to leave this man, despite the deep love I felt for him and the dedication I had to our marriage, but it has taken me a lot of therapy and hard work to regain my self-esteem and get my life back. I am not the same person I was before that relationship, and in many ways the damage that was done will remain with me for many years to come. Please think about what I'm saying, and ask yourself if you want to do this to the woman you love. Also, ask yourself if you want to live this way, with this kind of anger and pain inside you, and such struggles with anxiety and depression. There is help out there for you, and I hope you will reach out for it. I wish you the very best in your healing.
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