I really don't know where else this would fit.
I have panic attacks, anxiety, severe depression, and uncontrollable anger.
I'm at a loss of what to do. I am unemployed, so I can't afford any counseling.
But, I suppose I'll explain what's been going on.
I am a 20 year old male, and engaged to the girl of my dreams. We plan to get married August 8th of this year.
I can't trust her.
I have no reason not to trust her. I know for a fact, she has not lied to me once. She takes care of me, supports me, and just has been there through everything. But, I treat her horribly.
Once I lose my temper and my anger kicks in, I literally cannot do anything about it. I start to hurt myself and she tries to stop me, but then in turn I get violent towards her. She is just trying to protect me from myself, but I use force to get her off of me. I never hit her or anything, but I have hurt her by trying to get her off of me. She doesn't understand that I can't control myself. So this is really taking a toll on us.
Also, whenever we get into arguments, if she mentions something personal about me that doesn't seem like a positive thing in my eyes, I get very defensive. I feel like she is attacking me. She swears she would never attack me personally, but I just can't seem to lower my defenses for her.
As I stated before, I have a huge trust problem. I can't even trust myself. I accuse her of things and I assume random things.
I completely hate myself for everything. I want to treat her better. She deserves better.
I keep telling her this, and I have tried leaving her because I want her to be treated better elsewhere. She continues to stay and says I am the only one for her and I complete her, and that she will be with me forever.
But, every time that I hurt her, physically on accident, or emotionally, I feel the need to punish myself physically. It's gotten down to the point where I think suicide is the only option to make her happy. I want things to change, she says I'm in control and I can change at anytime. I'm really not... it doesn't feel like that at all. I don't know what to do, and neither does she.
I'm starting not to care about anything again.
And I'm close to the edge once more.
I need help, and I'm desperate.
PS: I typed this up fast, I've been really anxious. Sorry for any errors or out of order context. Ask questions if you need clarifying.
Edit: I am sorry but due to your content I had to remove a paragraph. Please review rules. Thank you.
Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/21/2009 8:04:01 AM (GMT-6)