I’m so glad you posted your story with us. You’re right….this is a place where people won’t judge you, and you don’t have to feel embarrassed, ashamed or guilty for talking to us.
I do understand why you feel that you don’t deserve good things in life……I have been in that state before, where I feel so unworthy of even existing. I would venture a guess that a lot of people who suffer from depression go through those feelings. The truth is this: You are worthy of love, and all of life’s blessings, just by virtue of the fact that you are here.
I believe, with all of my heart, that we are all here for a reason. There are no accidents with this…..no mistakes…..and no one is born without a purpose. There are those whose purpose becomes clear early in life, and those who have to do some searching before they realize it, but I strongly believe that our purpose is something we’re born with. Some people have fame and glory, and some are meek and mild and live a quiet life, but everyone has an effect on the world in some way. Sometimes we are not aware of the smallest words or actions that can change a life for the better. I suspect that we often don’t see the results of situations where we have a positive effect, but that doesn’t change the fact that the effect exists.
I’m saddened by your words of self-loathing, and I want to encourage you to start turning this around, even if it’s by “baby steps”. When we speak badly about
ourselves, it has a very negative effect on our psyche. The more we do it, the worse we feel about
ourselves, and the cycle continues on and on. A very important person in my life told me once that every day, I should look at myself in the mirror and say, “I love you”, as many times as I could bring myself to do it. I thought she was crazy back then…..and I laughed, and told her there was no way I could do that and believe it. She told me that even if I didn’t believe it at first, I should do it every day, as often as I could, and she assured me that I would feel the effects one day. I reluctantly tried it, and felt ridiculous doing it at first, but (to my great surprise) it actually had a very positive effect on me over the course of time. Some days I would look into my own eyes, say it, and cry……and wonder why I had been so cruel to myself for so many years. I hope you will be able to do this for yourself, looking yourself right in the eyes while you do it…….because you deserve love, Struggling, especially from yourself.
I hope you will continue to post here, and to feel comfortable and welcome. Try to get as much rest as you can, and know that we really care.
Living one day at a time.