Hi, everyone. Thanks for checking in on me.
My flu kept me distracted from my sadness, but it was physically exhausting, so that by Monday I spent the day resting. My twisted, tired thoughts arose more frequently and intensely. Every morning this week I woke up with a full 8 hours sleep, but felt as if I were feeling the effects of a sedative. I'd drop off my kids at school, do errands/housework, and crash on my bed. I went to all 3 DBT classes, but participated less. Thoughts of death returned, but no planning.
What has begun is thoughts of self harm (cutting), not as a release of pain, but as punishment. You see, I still hate myself. Actually, I loath me. Yeah, that self esteem still needs work.
Why hate me? Well, I feel rejected by my wife. And I feel ridiculous for feeling rejected. Also, I am still 'stuck' on my past affair, and the fact that it is long gone. Even more ridiculous. The extra trigger was the knowledge that it is her birthday soon, and I send a card, asking her not to forget me (as she wrote to me on her birthday 5 years ago). No flowers or gift. I decided that that mailing would be my last, an attempt to say good-bye. How pathetic I am (more judgements... DBT challenges those, but old habits die hard). And for the first time in 5 years she emailed me, while I was in DBT class yesterday, hoping that my family and I are well, and that she has not forgotten. I was happy, then instantly devastated. I spoke to my clinician about it afterwards, and disclosed my urge to self harm. I felt safe, but she reviewed the protocol if I feel unsafe (Emerg Psych).
This feeling for her... love? or just clinging to good feelings (past loving)? I need to let go (Reasonable Mind), I want to hold on (Emotional Mind), so what is the compromise (Wise Mind)? Get unstuck but remember the happy times? How do I get there?
I just want to be away from everyone. Or be dead.
I can stand the pain, the anger, the shame, the sadness... I promised my daughter that I would not do anything crazy, so I'll have to endure, but my quality of life is poor.
Wow, I hate me.
I'm trying the Distress Tolerance (self soothing cool breeze, mindful breathing, positives). They help for the moment I do them, then the darkness returns. I'm to go exercising this morning (fast walk), as part of my plan made with the clinician yesterday. But it is so hard to move around, and my head is pounding.
I feel so unworthy. I began hating everything around me, everything that I've done.
I hope that your time away was great, Karen. Thank you for checking in, and Kitt, too.
Raniah, I'm glad that your DBT work has been helpful and positive.
Jamie, hope that you get some sleeep.