I am so sorry you are still in a bad place but I promise you it will get easier. I know it does not feel that way for you at this time .
Our son died in a car crash in 1990 and I did not think I would ever get past the pain and the grief. I tried a support group but it was not working for me as all I did was sit there and cry as I listened to all the sad stories.
I did much better in one on one counseling. I am not going to push you as it is your decision to deal with your grief in your own way but I will post a couple of books that helped me. :)
1. Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People? by Melvin Tinker
2. How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Therese A. Rando
3. How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McWilliams
I wish you peacem,
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"When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others."
Not a mental health professional of any kind
Clickable Link: Anxiety-Panic Resources