If I could flip a light switch and get you out of the dark I would do it in a minute. I truly know that feeling. I was not sad or unhappy when I got all the classic symptoms of major depression. I had been going to a PDoc that thought I was bipolar, so he would not give me anti depressants because he said they would make me manic. I never was manic, just super anxious from all the anxiety that I had been dealing with. I had a horrible allergic reaction to risperdal, which I should never had been on to begin with and then my PDoc retired. I hit such a low point I finally said enough is enough. I found a new female Dr., Not a pysch., and she did a complete physical to make sure nothing was wrong in any other area, everything was fine.
I have been there with no money and no insurance and the mental health department in my city is a joke. That is how I got started with the PDoc, I kept calling Dr.'s office until I found one that would see me with no insurance and let me pay him at the end of the month. I got some relief with Xanax but after that I felt like a guinee (?) pig as far as meds go. Then when I got insurance, he would see me for 20 minutes once a month and bill my insurance co. his specialty fees. It was not a good experience.
Keep trying to find some avenue of hope, someone who will listen to what you are going through physically and mentally, they are out there, really they are. I believe that someone out there can help you feel better. I never wanted to be on meds either and for a while I went the herbal route. But when you have full blown major depression and high anxiety, there is nothing in the herbal store that is going to work like you need.
I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you can find a way to get some relief. Just don't give up.
You can talk to me anytime. The people here have helped me so much, I have alot of giving back to do.