I’m really sorry you’re hurting like this. I don’t have children of my own, but I can imagine that watching your son go through this, along with dealing with your own grief over the situation, must be very difficult.
I’m encouraged by the fact that your son has had success with his therapist, and that he has gained strength and acceptance since the time of the breakup. I would think that a closure conversation would be beneficial to him, although I’m sure it will be a time of emotional upheaval as well. It’s good that he has set boundaries for their communications up to this point…..IMO, that shows a good sense of self-respect and self-care on his part, which is so important, especially during a time of grief and recovery. It sounds like he has very good intentions for this closure conversation, and I think it will be helpful to his ex, as well. I can tell from your message that she is also suffering, which is understandable, and I think the fact that you feel badly for her, as well, shows what a kind and compassionate person you are.
I hope the knowledge that this situation would not be healthy for your son will bring some level of comfort to you. I do realize that you were looking forward to a wedding, and to your son having a new chapter in his life….and I also know you were really looking forward to having a daughter-in-law. This has been a great loss for you, as well, and I am so sorry for your grief. I can see from your message that you have envisioned the pitfalls that would lie ahead for your son if he were to marry this woman, and I do believe, as sad as this is for all of you, that this happened for a very good reason. It has been a painful life lesson for your son, but I shudder to think of how much more painful his life would be if they had married. At least now, he has a chance to heal from this experience, and to learn more about
himself and his needs in a relationship. I do believe that having had this experience, he will be much better prepared for a healthy marriage in the future, when the time comes.
I know that you have been having regular appointments with your therapist, which is really good. I know in my own life, it makes a world of difference. I do hope that this has included, or will include, some grief counseling for you, because this is your loss, too. Your son is so incredibly lucky to have such a loving and caring mother in you, Aurora. I know you want to continue to be a good source of support to him, and I hope you will give yourself the same love and tender care while you are hurting, too. The only other thing I can offer is prayer, and you can be sure that I am praying for all of you in this very sad time. Best wishes to you, my friend.
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." ~Marcel Proust